tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12412209205552809052024-02-06T19:50:22.947-08:00#IAmNOTKelliStapleton #WalkInIssysShoes Flash BlogThe widespread sympathy displayed for attempted murderer K. Stapleton exemplifies a disturbing trend implying that it is "understandable" when disabled people are harmed or even killed by caregivers. It has been stated that "anyone can be K. Stapleton" and that people shouldn't "judge her unless you've walked in her shoes." We are united in our opposition of this rhetoric; disabled lives DO matter. We affirm that #IAmNotKelliStapleton and implore you to #WalkInIssysShoesMorénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.comBlogger77125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-87179277821016840922014-10-25T13:23:00.002-07:002014-10-25T13:23:53.550-07:00Gratitude for the Participants of the #IamNOTkellistapleton Flashblog<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">To all those who participated, read, shared, and related to the #IamNOTkellistapleton #WalkinIssysShoes Flashblog, our great appreciation.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Together, we <em>are </em>changing the conversation about Autistic and disabled abuse and murder. From victim blaming to justice for the victims, hard work was accomplished both to defend Issy Stapleton and others like her, and to stop the hateful mindset that leads too many parents and caregivers to harm Autistic people. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">We are not Kelli Stapleton. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">We walk in Issy's Shoes. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Click on the photo below to watch the video from </span><span class="fcg"><span class="fwb" style="font-size: large;"><a aria-haspopup="true" aria-owns="js_d" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/page.php?id=168101566451" href="https://www.facebook.com/wwmtnews" id="js_e">Newschannel 3, CBS News, WWMT, West Michigan</a></span><span style="font-size: large;"> about the Flashblog. <br /><br />"Autism support groups hoping Stapleton case changes conversation"</span></span><br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="http://www.wwmt.com/news/features/top-stories/stories/Autism-support-groups-hoping-Stapleton-case-changes-conversation-49870.shtml#.VEvTdvnF-Sq" target="_blank"><img alt="http://www.wwmt.com/news/features/top-stories/stories/Autism-support-groups-hoping-Stapleton-case-changes-conversation-49870.shtml#.VEvIs5UtA5t" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfeja_7X4FBocNZoYJYlLcaC18ECDtJleGZNSf5LKC1PM5kxWCv_gyIxoyPfroxIdKW6Fsum3gxGFlZ1M-SnZ_sSvjk3DajergLcdVt7XFpC4zKlnUHIFkf6ka3DOYfUdTKkyWMAOmcmY/s1600/iamnotkelli+news+anchor.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.wwmt.com/news/features/top-stories/stories/Autism-support-groups-hoping-Stapleton-case-changes-conversation-49870.shtml#.VEvTdvnF-Sq" target="_blank">Picture of a news anchor, looking into the camera, in front of a blue background. To the right of him is a graphic reading "NEW TONIGHT Stapleton Sentence National Attention" and a logo for Newschannel 3. </a></td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09029022201074999115noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-63796862509869277192014-10-24T08:26:00.001-07:002014-10-24T08:26:44.565-07:00Saint Amanda martyr? <h1 class="entry-title">
<a href="http://naturestudyinthecity.com/2014/10/15/saint-amanda-martyr/" target="_blank">Saint Amanda martyr?</a> <span style="font-size: small;">from <a href="http://naturestudyinthecity.com/" target="_blank">Amanda Mills</a></span> </h1>
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For the Iamnotkellistapleton flashblog.<br />
<br />
This is likely my last post about<a href="http://naturestudyinthecity.com/2014/09/14/issy-stapleton-and-autistic-victim-blaming/" sl-processed="1" title="Issy Stapleton and Autistic Victim Blaming"><span style="color: #8c763f;"> Issy Stapleton </span></a>unless there are new developments and something more needs said.<br />
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When I was younger, around 18-19 years old, I didn’t believe in grey. Everything was black and white. Everything was either right, or it was wrong. It was good or it was evil. People who didn’t acknowledge just must be confused, or lazy.<br />
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In the last twenty years I’ve learned that nearly everything is grey, and really complicated. There are rarely simple answers especially when it comes to human relationships.<br />
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Late into those twenty years, I earned my Bachelors Degree.<br />
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One thing I focused study on was family systems theory. There are many different factors that affect each family, each member of that family and the individual relationships of members in that family in different ways. No single family is identical to another and each individual member of that family experiences family life differently.<br />
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There is no typical family.<br />
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People say autism is family/marriage ruining. They say that, because it is easier to look for a simple answer to “What went wrong?” than acknowledge its not that simple, or to acknowledge fault.<br />
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When an autistic child acts out aggressively its easier to blame the autistic child, or the autism as if its some sort of separate evil entity than taking a close look at everyone involved and examining the environment and the people in it to see what factors are at play.<br />
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If a person judges, others, or demonizes one person or one thing (idea, practice, set of people) it takes away responsibility for change. People will happily believe black and white, angel and demon, good and evil. Often we don’t even make a conscious decision to do it, its merely a behavior pattern that works for us.<br />
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It is better to look at the facts and factors of each individual case.<br />
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It has been suggested that as a mother of autistic children I should understand and empathize with Miss Stapleton’s mother, because I must know, I must understand what autism puts us through.<br />
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umm.<br />
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NO.<br />
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<strong>I am not Kelli Stapleton.</strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
I cannot relate to Kelli.<br />
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Let’s look at the facts shall we?<br />
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<li>Kelli had supports and services for Issy that I never have.</li>
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<strong>I don’t think supports or therapy are half as important as love, and care. I do not believe in endless therapy that encourages “normal” behavior at the cost of individuality.</strong><br />
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<li>Kelli blamed autism for her daughter’s aggression and their poor relationship. It’s easier than taking a closer look at her own behavior or considering whether a change in their family environment, was needed.</li>
</ul>
<strong>I do not look for scapegoats. I try to understand and learn because although over half of this household is autistic, myself included, I understand that we’re all different, and parenting is never easy.</strong> I also know its important to look after my own mental health.<br />
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<li>Kelli posted in words, picture, and videos the intimate details of her daughter’s life, putting her daughter in the worst possible light. She portrayed herself as martyr and victim.</li>
</ul>
<strong>Saint Amanda martyr I am not, and you won’t find me violating the kids’ privacy in that manner. Whether or not too much is online, and how exactly to share our lives without oversharing about them is constantly on my mind. I also know that this martyr/warrior attitude is unhealthy mentally in the long run, both for a parent’s mental health but also for their child. It is unhealthy for how the child perceives themselves and their relationship with their parent.</strong><br />
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<li>Kelli attempted to murder her child.</li>
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<strong>That is not ever going to happen.</strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
As grey as the world has become, some things are still wrong. Trying to murder someone is still wrong. Abusing someone, is still wrong. Blaming a victim of abuse and attempted murder is still wrong. It is not understandable to me.<br />
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<li>In sentencing Kelli’s lawyer also blamed her mental illness for this behavior.</li>
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<strong>As someone with PTSD and the anxiety and constant low level depression it brings, I find that pretty damn insulting. </strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
No, I am not her, and I cannot relate.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09029022201074999115noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-78816826386190853322014-10-23T15:00:00.000-07:002014-10-23T15:00:01.229-07:00You are NOT entitled to a "normal" child<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;">I have always felt that if one decides to have or work with children, it is an honor. You get the PRIVELEGE of having and/or working with that child or group of children. You don't get to pick and choose, and you are most certainly not ENTITLED to a particular child.</span><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;">Therefore, I am disturbed by the trend of certain parents who post online about how they want a "normal" child, and then proceed to provide very personal and intimate details of their children's disabilities, all the while complaining about how difficult said children make their lives.</span><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;">I recently wrote a blog post about an autistic girl named Isabelle "Issy" Stapleton. Her mother (unsuccessfully, I'm glad to say) attempted to suffocate her to death in the family van. Before that, the mother wrote a series of hateful tweets about Issy, including that she wanted a normal child and that she wished she could get a "morning after" pill.</span><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;">Just the other day, I read about a little boy named Dylan Kelly, who was born with multiple health conditions. The beginning of the article describes how he loves to come home from school and chase his sister around the house. Sounds like a happy child, right? Yet his parents state they wish they had had an abortion.</span><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;">That's right. The parents say they love him, but wish they hadn't had him. They had another baby, because they wanted a "normal' child. They have spent several years engaged in legal action against the hospital where he was born. I get that having a child with medical problems can be incredibly difficult, but perhaps the parents could have spent this time reaching out to the community for financial and moral support.</span><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;">When I read about cases like this, all I can think about is how horrible it must be to be those children, to have to know that your parents don't want you and wish you had never been born. I wish I could take these children and find loving families for them.</span><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;">Then, of course, there are the people who are always ready to jump to the defense of these parents. "Walk in their shoes before you judge them," cry the apologists. I say: Walk in Issy's shoes. Walk in Dylan's shoes. Walk in the shoes of every child that has been unwanted. Walk in the shoes of every child that has been abused by their parent. THEN come back to me and talk about the shoes of the parent.</span><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><br style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;" /><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;">You are NOT entitled to a normal child.</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', Times, FreeSerif, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.5599994659424px;">This post originally published at: <a href="http://ialwayslikecats.blogspot.com/2014/10/you-are-not-entitled-to-normal-child.html"> The Cats Are In Charge.</a></span></span>Leihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13905174710189793686noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-30336265447334251282014-10-23T12:00:00.000-07:002014-10-23T12:00:00.229-07:00Issy Stapleton and a Compassionate Response to Violence from Thraen Thraen<h2 style="margin: -5px 0px -4px;">
<a href="http://thraenthraen.tumblr.com/post/98122882182/issy-stapleton-and-a-compassionate-response-to-violence" style="display: block; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: black; font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Issy Stapleton and a Compassionate Response to Violence</span></span></a></h2>
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<strong style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Trigger warnings for ableism, murder, mention of suicide, victim-blaming, and probably other things. (Let me know if I missed something.)</strong><br />
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I have been thinking a lot about Issy Stapleton (<a href="http://www.mlive.com/news/grand-rapids/index.ssf/2014/09/jailed_mom_thankful_daughter_s.html">here is an article, but note that it comes with a trigger warning for victim-blaming and murderer-sympathising</a>)—and about Alex Spourdalakis, Jaelen and Faith Edge, Randle Barrow, Mickey Liposchok, George Hodgins, Daniel Corby, Katherine McCarron, and so many others. The <a href="http://autism-memorial.livejournal.com/">autism_memorial livejournal</a>has over 180 separate accounts of murder (or, in a few cases, reported suicide) of autistic individuals—mostly by family members, caregivers, and even police. Even that list is an understatement. Crimes so often go unreported or misreported, or when they are reported (accurately), they may never have enough media coverage for the autistic community and our allies to find out. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Of course I’m sad. Of course I’m mad. Of course there is a very angry, very hurt part of me that just wants to run around screaming and breaking things until this finally stops, until murdering your child (or anyone, but especially someone in your care) is never okay, never justified. I’ve taken so long with this post because I don’t know how to think about this without feeling a blinding rage or overwhelming sadness or both. This <em><strong>sucks</strong>.</em></span></div>
<div style="margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Kelli Stapleton made a disgusting, inexcusable choice. Nothing justifies attempting to murder your child, okay? Lack of support services for families (and I will just point out that the Stapletons had access to an abundance of support services) does not justify murder. Autism does not justify murder. Nothing ever, ever, ever can justify or excuse this. We shouldn’t even have to talk about this. </span></div>
<div style="margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I have a choice, too, and I have been thinking a lot about it over the past few weeks. While the news hurts, while it makes me feel furious and frustrated and desperate and powerless, I have a choice in how I respond and in what I write here. I am not powerless, and we<em>can</em> change the conversation. In fact,<strong>we absolutely must change the conversation</strong>.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The first thing we must do is stop othering autistic people and others with disabilities. We need to value and prioritise their (our) voices and experiences. Spend some time listening to (or reading) the voices of autistic people. You could start with these:</span></div>
<ul style="margin: 1em 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 40px;">
<li><a href="http://www.thinkingautismguide.com/" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="color: black;">The Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism</span></a></li>
<li><a href="http://thautcast.com/drupal5/" style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="color: black;">ThAutcast</span></a></li>
</ul>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">On the subject of prioritising autistic voices, I am just going to link you to <a href="http://thecaffeinatedautistic.wordpress.com/new-autism-speaks-masterpost-updated-62014/">an excellent masterpost on why Autism Speaks is awful and must not be allowed to speak for autistic people</a>. The tl;dr is that Autism Speaks perpetuates violence against autistic people both directly (see: the bit about the Judge Rotenberg Center) and indirectly (see: their constant messaging of autistic people as “burdens” and so on), and uses money that could be spent on support services and advocacy and instead spends it on eugenics research. Support organisations led and run by autistic people instead, such as the <a href="http://autisticadvocacy.org/">Autistic Self-Advocacy Network</a> and the <a href="http://www.autismwomensnetwork.org/">Autism Women’s Network</a>.</span><br />
<div style="margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">And when we talk about voices, we have to talk about intersectionality and diversity. We have to talk about how the “face” of autism is always white, often male and middle-class when the reality is autistic people come in all races, ethnicities, classes, genders, sexualities, and so on. You might, for example, check out a blog like<a href="http://queerability.tumblr.com/">Queerability</a>, which focuses on the intersection of the LGBTQ+ and disabled communities. Imagine people, including autistic people, complexly.</span></div>
<div style="margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Once you’ve gotten a bit of a grasp on the complexity and nuance inherent in our community, it’s time to start educating those around you. Share the voices you find. Push back against stereotypes (even if they seem like “positive” stereotypes—”idiot savant” isn’t a compliment, and it devalues and erases autistic people who don’t fit that “ideal”) whenever you hear someone repeat them. Stand up to any suggestion that violence against a vulnerable population is justified.</span></div>
<div style="margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><em>And, bloody hell, if you are a parent (or caregiver) and the thought crosses your mind that things might be better if you killed your child (or person in your care), </em><em><strong>get help NOW</strong></em><em>. Please stop what you are doing and get help immediately. Call 911 (or the equivalent in your country). Before you reach a point of crisis, get connected with other parents and caregivers for support, such as<a href="https://www.facebook.com/ParentingAutisticChildrenWithLoveAcceptance">Parenting Autistic Children with Love & Acceptance</a>. And if someone is in any way justifying violence against your child, cut that toxicity out of your and your child’s life. </em></span></div>
<div style="margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The compassionate response to violence is not to side with the perpetuator of violence, nor is it to simply punish the perpetuator (although I am not arguing against punishment for Kelli Stapleton). Compassion goes further: it offers healing and safety to victims, and it fights to end the cycle of violence. We have a choice in how we respond, and if we are to choose compassion (which I certainly hope we will), we must do more with our pain. We must work toward a world without violence and where people like Issy Stapleton feel safe, loved, and valued. </span></div>
<div style="margin-top: 1em;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It’s been a tough few weeks trying to sort through all of my emotions about this, but somewhere, buried beneath all of my anger and frustration and sadness and rage and nausea and fear, I have just the tiniest bit of hope. A different world is possible. I need you to help me make it possible. Educate yourself. Educate your friends. Change the conversation.</span></div>
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<a href="http://thraenthraen.tumblr.com/post/98122882182/issy-stapleton-and-a-compassionate-response-to-violence">(This post can also be found on the Thraen Thraen tumblr here.)</a>Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-67007218970789149532014-10-23T08:00:00.000-07:002014-10-23T08:00:02.876-07:00First do no harm from On the Train With Sophie <a href="http://www.onthetrainwithsophie.com/2014/10/first-do-no-harm.html" target="_blank">First do no harm</a> <br />
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When the call went out for submissions to the #IamNotKelliStapleton <a href="http://iamnotkellistapletonflashblog.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank" title=""><span style="color: #e53939;">flashblog</span></a>, I almost decided not to participate. The Kelli Stapleton case has polarized the autism community (even more than it was already) and shattered any fragile peace that existed prior between autistic advocates and their supporters and some (vocal) parents of autistic children. I remained quiet through the initial incident and the first shockwave. I didn't comment on the trial and the infamous dr. Phil interview. I restrained myself when a blogger suggested "we are all Kelli Stapleton". However when I read <a href="http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2014/10/kelli-stapleton-issy-stapleton.html" target="_blank" title=""><span style="color: #e53939;">this</span></a> article last night, it pushed me over the edge. Those parents who have supported and even identified with Kelli Stapleton up to this point surely cannot now- following an objective, mainstream-targeted, third-party piece of writing, not skewed towards the point of view of autistic advocates (in fact containing some very ablist views, but we've come to expect these from the media sadly) and yet despite all its shortcomings, the image of the character that emerges by the end cannot be viewed as sympathetic. If someone reads it and still thinks that they could be Kelli Stapleton, they should seek some counselling I would suggest. </div>
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What has struck me about this case since the beginning is the obvious physical similarity between the victim Issy and my Sophie. Sophie could be Issy in ten years- a cherubic round-faced girl with pale blue eyes and blond curls. Sophie was also diagnosed at 2, following a regression as our readers know. Yes Sophie <em>could</em> be Issy except for one thing. Yup you guessed it; <strong>I am not Kelli Stapleton. </strong></div>
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How am I so sure I am not, do you ask? Let's start right in the beginning, or at the diagnosis. When Issy was diagnosed at 2, her mother (quotes from the article linked above): </div>
<blockquote>
tracked down a child psychiatrist in Michigan and essentially dedicated all of her waking hours to the Issy- project.</blockquote>
<em>All of her waking hours</em>. That's a lot of hours. Remember, Issy was two at the time. How does one go about "curing" one's child of autism with ABA?<br />
<blockquote>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
From the minute Issy woke up until she went to bed, Kelli subjected her minor routines to rigid control: Kelli would say, "Touch your nose," and when Issy did it she gave her a little prize. If Issy wanted something, she had to look Kelli in the eye to get it. Sometimes Kelli had to make the same request ten or 20 times in a day, because an autistic child finds it hard to tune in or follow instructions or make eye contact, much less do it all day. By the end, she’d be pleading, desperate, "Dear God. Touch your nose! Your whole future depends on this!"</div>
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<em>All of her waking hours. </em><br />
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Yes, I can confidently say I am not Kelli Stapleton. I feel my risk of becoming anything close to her is very low, comparable to my risk of becoming say, Temple Grandin. Or Obama. Or anybody else who is not me really. In fact since my blog was started exactly two years ago and about two months after Sophie received her diagnosis, I can quote myself directly as to what I felt as we were in the early stages and considering ABA (which we eventually agreed not to pursue). From <a href="http://www.onthetrainwithsophie.com/2012/10/ots-visit-and-topic-of-wait-lists.html" target="_blank" title=""><span style="color: #e53939;">this</span></a> post (the second post on this blog): </div>
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we do wonder if we really want her to be drilled for 40 hours a week, rewarded with a tidbit of food for each socially appropriate gesture she is able to replicate. Perhaps in this case the waiting list is a blessing, buying her some more time to just "be", regardless how unproductive her just being is seen as through the prism of ABA.</div>
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I wonder if Kelli Stapleton ever took the time for a similar reflection or whether the objective of "recovering" Issy overshadowed any other concerns for the toddler's well-being. </div>
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Aside from the fact that I think it's wrong (yes I said that. I don't feel disagreeing with the type of treatment Issy received <em>all of her waking hours</em> is just a difference of opinion. I think it is a wrong thing to do to your child and fellow human being), I will tell you something else. I am <em>absolutely certain </em>that if we subjected Sophie to this type of "therapy" she would lash out physically. And could I blame her? If someone is constantly "in your face" micromanaging your every movement and decision, does that person not become an oppressor, an abuser? Would you not despise them and foam with rage at the mere sight of them? </div>
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I don't doubt the fact that Issy was aggressive. Unfortunately I cannot say how she would turn out if she was not raised by a narcissistic mother who <em>never</em> accepted her as she was. It is very possible that she would be prone to hitting when frustrated, perhaps biting. It is impossible to say for sure however, because she was not raised in a home where she could be herself and learn to manage her emotions in a loving and accepting environment. She was singled out and punished for her disability, separated from her siblings to endure the therapy that continually sent her the message that she was not enough. </div>
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For three years, she became Issy’s full-time teacher, enrolling her other two kids in day care and sending them, on evenings and weekends, to the houses of relatives.</blockquote>
<em>All of her waking hours</em>. <br />
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How am I not Kelli Stapleton? When I wanted to engage Sophie I did the opposite. We include Sophie in everything we do as a family. We avoid separating our kids during family time without a very good reason. We constantly brainstorm which activities would be most suitable to <em>all</em> our family members, who are all of different ages, ability levels and at varying developmental stages. It is difficult sometimes but not impossible. Why do we "bother"? Because we are a family. We all matter. </div>
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How am I not Kelli Stapleton? Because when I realized that Sophie's autism was "here to stay" I knew that I had a choice to make. I could mourn, cry and pine for the child I thought I wanted. Or I could embrace the child I was given and learn to be the kind of parent she needed. From <a href="http://www.onthetrainwithsophie.com/2013/10/how-i-became-autism-advocate.html" target="_blank" title=""><span style="color: #e53939;">this</span></a> post: </div>
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First thought that came to me- I am sad about the "would-be's". She would have been a cute little chatterbox, would have loved animals, would have played with her brother and sister, would have gone to the nursery school her sister attended, would have play dates with the little girls her age on our street... And I realized- it's not about Sophie. It's about me. All those "would have's" have meaning only because I attached meaning to them. Based on my interests and desires I have formed an image of a cherubic little toddler I would have expected Sophie to be- but it isn't Sophie. If I was a different sort of mom I'd be mourning the loss of a would-be ballerina or a would-be soccer player or a would-be artist. Sophie isn't mourning the loss of those dreams because they were never hers to begin with. As parents we fantasize about what our children will grow up to be. It seldom comes to pass as children pave their own reality (as they should). Yet, when their reality falls outside of what we consider desirable, we reject it, or fight it (it's not just about autism, in some families it could be going against the family profession, or marrying the wrong person, or being the wrong sexual orientation).</div>
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Now, I believe if a part of us is still mourning the loss of the child that's "buried under the autism" then that can lead down a destructive path. I've heard people yell at autism, swear at autism, banish autism out of their lives. That goes with the presumption that autism is sort of like a growth that is fused to the typical child's brain and that, with proper handling can be removed, leaving the perfectly intact brain exposed. I choose to see that autism is as much of Sophie's identity as her blue eyes, her infectious grin or her funky hair. You can't excise it from her and uncover a neurotypical Sophie which was hiding there all along. If I claim to love her, I can't make qualifying statements like "I love my child but I don't love her autism". It's like telling me "I love you but I don't like your introvertness" , or "I love you but not your green eyes". I have to think and say "I love you, all of you, exactly as you are".</div>
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You might wonder why I chose to focus on Issy's early years and not on that fateful day last September. I happen to believe that Issy didn't stand a chance well before her mom planned and attempted to end her life. Way before she chose to record her sardonic observations on social media. Issy's fate was sealed as soon as her mother realized that her child is different than she expected and she refused to make peace with it. </div>
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I am not Kelli Stapleton. Regardless where our journey takes us, regardless what obstacles we will need to overcome, Sophie and I will do it, together. There will be reflections on this blog. There will be thoughtful idea-seeking. There will probably be admissions of wrong-doing. But you will not read snarky comments directed at my daughter or her neurology, those who share it, the problems that aren't hers to be burdened with or intimate information that should be private. This is her story, recorded with love by her mom and her biggest fan. I will be honoured if she chooses to read it one day. </div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09029022201074999115noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-61744907518552289722014-10-22T16:00:00.000-07:002014-10-22T16:00:02.459-07:00Things To Fight #IamNotKelliStapleton <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVOqJ0fTdRiRlsadtsGo_EZglp9FDtT58q158-I08R_2aAJTNDQy9e1tHYN1VAbOLuXxWU5qEIz0uFat2EU6EFj_9QXIS2pkCMRYEtPvsS0rA6JmabuB70oVs5gK_tdK8NYvYEQ15sUztE/s1600/thingstofight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVOqJ0fTdRiRlsadtsGo_EZglp9FDtT58q158-I08R_2aAJTNDQy9e1tHYN1VAbOLuXxWU5qEIz0uFat2EU6EFj_9QXIS2pkCMRYEtPvsS0rA6JmabuB70oVs5gK_tdK8NYvYEQ15sUztE/s1600/thingstofight.jpg" height="255" width="320" /></a></div>
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Image: Pink text reads: Things to Fight: Ableism, injustice, hate, oppression, discrimination, fear, inequality, bigotry, prejudice, stimga White text reads Change the world, NOT your child. iamnotkellistapletonflashblog.blogspot.com #IamNotKelliStapleton #WalkInIssysShoes</div>
Leihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13905174710189793686noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-50068006220344386112014-10-22T12:00:00.000-07:002014-10-22T12:00:05.645-07:00What kind of society do we live in? <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYzTg6iZWioDRfyIao3AsZXeVkp2ecje3g0_J0tysLWdLlPPQcV7tHwVcZU27Y-og7GJNdP-3HOFY13SXuaXQYkSlRUw0jNIfNFswAk7myYB37ab4VTT9Lc-kDrZzpDB9rQAIBooSXXz4/s1600/iamnotkelli+meme+purple.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYzTg6iZWioDRfyIao3AsZXeVkp2ecje3g0_J0tysLWdLlPPQcV7tHwVcZU27Y-og7GJNdP-3HOFY13SXuaXQYkSlRUw0jNIfNFswAk7myYB37ab4VTT9Lc-kDrZzpDB9rQAIBooSXXz4/s1600/iamnotkelli+meme+purple.jpg" height="320" width="306" /></a></div>
<br /><br />Image description: Dark purple/black background. Light pink text reads: "What kind of society do we live in when children are demonized for not having the tools they need to communicate, and abusers are held up as examples of loving and caring parents for the ultimate act of aggression against their child? <a class="_58cn" data-ft="{"tn":"*N","type":104}" href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/justiceforissy">#justiceforissy</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09029022201074999115noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-45937963181598358372014-10-22T08:00:00.000-07:002014-10-22T08:00:05.158-07:00Services are no Excuse: #WalkInIssysShoes <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2GeO5ZAKEzmdze2o21VEY_VBCB7GbeasiAkJFE0iN643cdAhUezpcNu_kkLw672jiIQlBWxiVwq4lPWxGj7Os2orVjCs615-LuNEpSTvpAyCPzx9sxIrt4KJbqB6DEhMQPndhzYqM5vE/s1600/iamnotkelli+services.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2GeO5ZAKEzmdze2o21VEY_VBCB7GbeasiAkJFE0iN643cdAhUezpcNu_kkLw672jiIQlBWxiVwq4lPWxGj7Os2orVjCs615-LuNEpSTvpAyCPzx9sxIrt4KJbqB6DEhMQPndhzYqM5vE/s1600/iamnotkelli+services.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /><br /> Image Description: Background is a textured exterior wall. Text reads: If you claim that lack of services for murderers is to blame for tragedies like filicide, perhaps you should focus on getting those services instead of attacking the victims.<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09029022201074999115noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-7119988781869858122014-10-21T20:00:00.000-07:002014-10-21T20:00:02.462-07:00Issy Stapleton from Suburp <div style="background-color: white; border: 0px currentColor; color: #444444; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 24px; margin-bottom: 1.71rem; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
I do not know the girl I am thinking of today. Her name is Isabelle Stapleton, known as “Izzy” or “Issy”. You probably know what happened.</div>
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When your child is diagnosed with autism, you start scanning the internet for information, for connection, and if it is your medium, blogs of parents in similar situations to relate, to connect, maybe for answers, maybe just for the feeling not to be alone. I have come across very different kinds of blogs and one reason I am still hesitant to fully document my own son’s journey online, is the protection of his privacy and the feeling that while a more popular blog might bring ME the feeling of recognition and community, it might not be, in the end, in his best interest. And my son’s interest always comes first.</div>
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Today, I feel sick because a mother whose blog posts I have read, whose blog many of other bloggers have read, has committed what in my eyes is one of the worst acts a person can commit in their lifetime. She attempted to kill her own child.</div>
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So I see the first media reports and blog posts talking about “this brave woman who fought tooth and nail” and her “genuine love” for her daughter . I read “even the strongest fall” and “safe haven laws” and respite possibilities are simply not covering the desperation of autism parents in the US. And maybe this is all true.</div>
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But, as a parent AND as a person who has been in a situation where I seriously <em style="border: 0px currentColor; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">considered </em>suicide as the only way out, then, briefly, murder, yes murder – of my adult abuser – I cannot feel empathy for the woman who is recovering from carbon monoxide poisoning while her daughter is still in a coma with the possibility of permanent brain damage.</div>
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There is no excuse. When I first came across blog posts on the strange media attitude that surrounded the horrible deaths of children with disabilities, I felt bewildered and was with those who said “murder is murder”. Although the struggles of severe autism seem so much harder than my son’s, I felt nothing could ever justify the murder by violence, medication or severe neglect. Nothing.</div>
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When I first read one of the long, fierce and somewhat confusing blog posts on “The Status Woe” , I had felt uncomfortable. What made others join @TeamIssy, help raise funds for therapy days and celebrate the mother as a warrior, had overwhelmed me as too public, too wordsy, too intense and too much about the mother’s fight. No, I read not much of it. It seemed unstable, scattered. It scared me. For Isabelle. *)</div>
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Anyone who has a child with autism and who is not too caught up in the ‘fight’ or more occupied with finding a “cure”, will have found that our own attitude, our own anxiety, stress levels and ability to cope are major factors in the behaviour of our child. No, I am not saying that autism parents are causing their children’s outbursts or aggression but they are contributing to them, when they can’t cope, be it “out of love”, be it by lack of resources, be it their intense personality.</div>
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It is very obvious to me that the public fight of Isabelle’s mother was an expression of her panic and inability to cope, and the many people who supported her, and still support her now, in the end, have not been able to protect Issy from her own mother. Her mother who was clearly NOT one of “the strongest”. She was weak before the fall.</div>
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Psychologists will make better sense of it, but for me, those who talk about “co-dependency” and “psychosis” today are closest to the truth.</div>
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I am not throwing stones at the whole family, I do not pray, but my thoughts are with them, are with Issy. Issy. I cannot even remotely imagine how the realisation what her mother did will feel. I have no answer to the questions that are raised by these cases. I do not claim to be a better person, or a better parent than the mother who committed the act. Some of us, in life, have come to a point where the idea of death seemed a pretty good prospect to just get away from it all, whatever it is. I do not condemn suicide as cowardly or a sin.</div>
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But never ever, in no circumstances, has a parent the right to take this decision for their child, as dire the situation may seem to them.</div>
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You have the right to give up, to be weak, to break down. Hell, abandon your child if you cannot cope. You do not have the right to take your child’s life. Never.</div>
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*) I found the first post from Feb I read. I commented with links to Anonymous as the mother felt she needed to go MORE public with a video of one of Issy’s outbreaks. I recommended her to opt for a more anonymous presence online.<br />I now remember being put off by the aggressive attitude of both the mother and many of her supporters immediately after that.</div>
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<span style="border: 0px currentColor; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">(This post can also be found on the Suburp blog <a href="http://suburp.wordpress.com/2013/09/06/issy-stapleton/" target="_blank">here</a>.)</span></span></div>
Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-17451240541413526932014-10-21T12:00:00.000-07:002014-10-21T12:00:02.508-07:00the cost of non-compliance is unreasonable<div style="background-color: white; border: 0px currentColor; color: #373737; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24.37px; margin-bottom: 1.62em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
In January, I wrote a <a href="http://loveexplosions.net/2013/01/30/the-cost-of-compliance-is-unreasonable/" style="border: 0px currentColor; color: #a65374; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">post</a> about the cost of compliance training. The unforgivable price that our children pay when forced to be compliant.</div>
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It turns out, that the cost of non-compliance is also unreasonable– unconscionable. Well, it was for Issy Stapleton. Her mother, Kelli, attempted to kill her last week.</div>
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I’ve been reading Kelli’s blog. Listening to an interview. And reading comments left by those who allegedly worked in the Stapleton home as service providers to Issy.</div>
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If you’re reading this. You’ve seen the videos. The first one was little more than Kelli running around hysterically crying–I’m not going to comment on that. But about <a href="http://thestatuswoe.wordpress.com/?s=video&submit=Go" style="border: 0px currentColor; color: #a65374; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">this video</a>, I have much to say. Especially after watching it in context on her blog. Particularly this part<em style="border: 0px currentColor; color: #444444; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 1.5; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">…</em></div>
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<em style="border: 0px currentColor; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Carly, Issy’s behaviorist, was there to make sure I said and did the right things. Basically, I just had to give her tokens for having ‘quite hands and feet’ and redirect her when she started perseverating(you know, getting stuck) on certain topics. </em></div>
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<em style="border: 0px currentColor; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">We walked into the classroom. Issy was so happy to see me (and I her!). I told her I was there to be her worker. I sat down next to her and started to work on a coloring page. Issy started perseverating, I redirected. She got physical…</em></div>
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I found it very striking that the video started with Issy’s physical reaction. We see from Kelli’s words that a few things happened. Mainly Issy was non-compliant. Was she reacting to being told that her own mother was her “worker”? Being coerced into having “quiet hands and feet”? What does it look like when Kelli says, “I redirected.”</div>
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Autistic adults routinely rail against the inhumanity of being told to have quiet hands and feet. Being forced to be still when their bodies need to move. Many suffer PTSD–partially from “quiet hands and feet.”</div>
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I’m morbidly curious about the perseverating and subsequent redirection. It is suspicious that this part of the video was edited out. I suspect that it was a physical violation of Issy’s bodily autonomy or the threat of such violation.</div>
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The video, itself, does not lead me to believe that this is an inherently violent child. I see a child who is outnumbered by adults and has no escape route. I see her cornered and lashing out. After I see adults overpowering her and restraining her, I see her physical reactions escalate.</div>
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I believe, at the very core of my being, that Issy had been subjected to abusive and aversive interventions for years. Therapies which violated her person and punished her for non-compliance. By Kelli’s own admission in this <a href="http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thecoffeeklatch/2012/12/10/the-physically-abused-parent--autism-and-mental-illness" style="border: 0px currentColor; color: #a65374; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">interview</a>, she suspected that Issy’s physical reactions were related to ABA therapy. This is in response to the interviewers question about who the violence was directed towards.</div>
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<em style="border: 0px currentColor; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">It was always directed toward me. Her um anger and aggression. Always toward me. I wondered if that was a consequence of doing a Lovaas replication program. Because I’ve been in her face since before she was two years old. It was always touch your nose. Touch the apple. Do this. Do that. And you know, um, maybe this is sort of a natural consequence to that. I’m not really sure. But I’m sure at this point it is some sort of shaped behavior. Because sometimes even making eye contact with her will trigger a response</em>.</div>
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Anyone who is familiar with the Lovaas ABA model, knows that Lovaas relied heavily upon aversives and punitive corrections to undesired behaviors–including failure to make eye contact and stimming. A mere mention of Lovaas will trigger many of my Autistic friends. We are talking strict, by the book, old school ABA. I have many problems with ABA as it is commonly practiced, but the Lovaas model is truly reprehensible. It is unquestionably abusive.</div>
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Issy was subjected to this for ten–ish(?) years at the time of this video according to her mother. I have no doubt, that Kelli was right. That this was one of the things at the root of Issi’s physical reactions. Especially since the reactions were mainly directed at her mother until about a year prior to this interview (according to Kelli). Since Kelli, was Issi’s “worker”, this makes sense.</div>
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Further, there have been multiple allegations of Kelli’s abuse towards her children, levied by individuals who apparently worked in the Stapleton home. Normally, I wouldn’t put a lot of store in internet <a href="http://www.9and10news.com/story/23363921/friend-speaks-out-about-kelli-stapleton" style="border: 0px currentColor; color: #a65374; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">comments</a>. But these feel markedly credible when those commenting are providing contact info for coming forward with information.</div>
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<em style="border: 0px currentColor; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">To those care givers who would help be Issy’s voice and get justice for what was done to her please contact D/SGT House with the State police post (231) 775-6040. Several past caregivers have stepped forward and already given statements on Issy’s behalf. We need everyone to step up and help Issy.</em></div>
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<em style="border: 0px currentColor; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">On an earlier post I posted a number for ex-caregivers who wanted to help issy. I typed the number wrong it D/SGT Travis House (231)779-6040 he would like to speak to any caregivers. Some of us care givers have already given statements on Issy’s behalf.</em></div>
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Kelli regularly used hateful and abusive language on her blog to describe her daughter to the world. If this is what she puts out to the world, I can only imagine what she kept hidden. And according to many of the <a href="http://www.9and10news.com/story/23363921/friend-speaks-out-about-kelli-stapleton" style="border: 0px currentColor; color: #a65374; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">comments</a> on this news piece, she attempted to keep much hidden.</div>
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I’m sure that we will never know exactly what went down in the Stapleton household. But nothing that I’ve read, heard, or seen leads me to the conclusion that Issy is inherently violent. Nothing. I believe that Issy has always been the only victim.</div>
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We’ve seen the writing. We know she was subjected to Lovaas style ABA which is widely criticized for being punitive and for employing aversives. This is abusive. We’ve seen some heavy allegations of abuse which are, apparently, being investigated.</div>
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We’ve hear the story of a child, who easily overpowered her mother. Yet, somehow, Kelli was able to contain Issy in their family van while she attempted to exterminate her daughter with carbon monoxide poisoning. Am I the only person with whom this does not jive?</div>
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I don’t believe that Issy was violent. I believe that she had physical reactions to the abuse she suffered for being non-compliant. I believe that Issy almost paid the ultimate price for her non-compliance when her mother tried to kill her.</div>
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The <a href="http://loveexplosions.net/2013/01/30/the-cost-of-compliance-is-unreasonable/" style="border: 0px currentColor; color: #a65374; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">cost of compliance is unreasonable</a>. The cost of non-compliance can be even more unreasonable.</div>
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(This post can also be found on the Love Explosions blog <a href="http://loveexplosions.net/2013/09/12/the-cost-of-non-compliance-is-unreasonable/" target="_blank">here</a>.)</div>
Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-5617922479430635602014-10-21T08:00:00.000-07:002014-10-21T08:00:06.660-07:00I Respect My Children; I Am Not Kelli Stapleton<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Helvetica Neue Light", HelveticaNeue-Light, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.6px; margin: 0cm 0cm 8pt; padding: 0px; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I first found out that I was pregnant with a child, I was 20 years old. I was terrified. I did not know what to do. I hadn’t finished university, I didn’t have a house of my own. I didn’t have savings in the bank. I got very sick, I vomited every day. I was a long term vegan but I decided to eat meat because I was worried my baby was not getting enough nutrients to grow. I felt very sad about eating meat, but I thought it was right. I respected my child.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When my baby was born, she needed me. All the time. She needed to be with me, and didn’t want to be with others. She wanted to stay with me, so she stayed in her sling. She didn’t want to sleep alone, so she slept in my room with me. She didn’t like crowded places, so we didn’t go to them. I respected my child.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When my son was born, he didn’t like loud places either. We still didn’t go to them. He didn’t want to go in the sling. He sweated and cried and overheated. So I kept him cool (which seemed cold to me) and I responded to his discomfort. I listened to, and honoured, his cues. I respected my child.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When my third child was very young, my family became homeless. My partner was dismissed from his job for having the audacity to aim for a university education instead of continuing to clean bins for a living. He was expelled for this dream with contempt. His ex-boss then told the national welfare department that he had quit. We were left without an income, and now without access to welfare assistance. My family offered to host us in their home. My mother was abusive, treated children disrespectfully, and made fun of disabilities. I declined the offer and we stayed instead at a caravan park temporarily. The children loved the playground there, and the ducks in the swamp. They dug in the sand and drew fog on the shower mirrors. I respected my children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When my fourth child was born, I was a very busy mama. Whenever I felt angry or overwhelmed, I worked on my reactions. I learned ways to calm down. I kept my children safe and I loved them. I never raised a hand to any of them. I didn't tower over them, yelling, as I remembered so vividly my own mother doing to me. Because I respected my children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As my children had been growing, I had compiled long mental lists of areas in which they struggled or needed assistance. I marvelled at their unusual ways of thinking and formulating games. I knew they were different to most. I learned about autism through intense library research, and I opened my heart and mind to this idea. Because I respected my children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I began to speak to others about autism and my belief that my children were autistic. Many laughed at me. Most told me to “move away from Doctor Google”. Plenty asked me “Why do you want to label them?” Almost all grimaced and shushed me condescendingly. Doctors and Child Health Nurses told me, “Love, go to a parenting class instead of reaching for money”. I ignored them all. Because I respected my children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When my children approached school age, I thought long and hard about this place that I had always assumed my children would attend. I thought of their specific skill sets, and I imagined them in a school setting. I decided to home school and my children never set foot in class. They enjoyed being at home. I respected my children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My partner had been studying toward his university degree and working. I felt like the children needed more of me than I could give. We reconsidered his work so that we could help them. He quit and our income was hugely reduced. My partner and I stayed home with our children. My partner and I often went hungry. The children thrived. Because I respected my children.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We made a conscious choice to keep Behaviourist ideas out of our home. We decided our home would be free of punishments. We threw away the Parenting Rule Book that was so familiar and easy to us. We fumbled. We kept trying. We believed this was best for our children even though it was hard. Because we respected our children.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I cut contact with my family after years of abuse. They threatened and raged, slandered and lied, and cried crocodile tears. I stayed away, and my children did too. My children would not know the dysfunction that was so normal to me. They would not feel the constant shame that abuse brings. I respected my children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By the time my baby (my fourth child) was about 1 year old, I had grown sick of the broken promises of the public system for autism help and information. So we moved to a 2 bedroom home, full of mice and cockroaches, with holes in the floors and cigarette butts in the yard. It was cheap and we'd have spare money each week. This would mean that my children could receive their diagnoses. That would provide them with services and therapies! Early Intervention! We cleaned up mouse shit and dead mice, caught cockroaches in jars and relocated them, threw out curtains filled with the stench of cigarette smoke, patched holes, picked up cigarette butts and glass bottles from the yard, and cleaned inside cupboards that made me gag. My children laughed and flapped when they saw our new house. Now we wouldn't be hungry, and we could pay for the childrens’ diagnoses. I respected my children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When my children began to fight, I talked to them and kept the peace with kindness. I respected my children.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When my children finally received their autism diagnoses, we were given access to $12 000 each child each year, for 2 years. We were given access to respite, in-home therapy, equipment, behavioural training, and ABA service providers. We looked at the options and we thought “these services don’t seem right.” And we declined that funding. All of it. A total of $96 000 for my children, for whatever services I wished for. Because I respected my children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My partner struggled, all this time. He had struggled all his life. He had been abused and mistreated, and had lived in an unstable, drug and alcohol-affected family. He got help. He spoke openly about his pain and started taking medication to be a better father. His PTSD, Bi Polar, Depression, and Anxiety, are still there. But he got help. Because he respected his children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We borrowed books, we attended courses, we went to conferences, we listened in at seminars, we read blogs, we listened to autistic people. We raised our hands and stammered out questions. We asked self-advocates questions that revealed our ignorance, but that helped to reduce it. We filled our heads with autism information and opinions and science. Because we respected our children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When professionals spoke to us with that tone of voice that says "I am teacher, you are student and you WILL do as I recommend", we took what they said away with us, and we thought about it. We did not take anything unquestioningly. Because we respected our children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As my children age, they seem more and more noticeably autistic. I love them and I love their autism. I accept my children as they are. I am happy that I have them, just as they are. I respect my children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I feel sick when I read about parents putting their autistic children into invasive therapies. I feel sick when I hear adults laughing about hitting children. I feel sick when I am attacked online, abuse hurled at me, because I want acceptance for my children and because I want disabled people to be afforded the right to speak for themselves. I feel sick when people talk of prenatal tests in order to abort autistic children before birth. But I keep talking. I don’t shut up, even though many wish I would. Because I respect my children and I want a safe future for them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I first read about Kelli Stapleton, when I heard how she constantly invaded her daughter Issy’s privacy with blog posts, tweets, and videos – I was angry. When I saw the “therapy” Issy was subjected to for years, I was angry. When I heard that Kelli had tried to kill Issy, I was angry. When I read about Kelli blaming the crime on “having a violent child”, I was angry. I was angry for Issy. Issy is autistic and Kelli did not respect her. This is an unquestionable fact. You just don’t try to murder people you respect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I read a blog post stating that we are all Kelli Stapleton, all just one crisis away from murder and disrespect of our precious children – I didn’t agree. I have been mulling over that opinion ever since. I still don’t agree. Not at all. I will never murder my children. I will never even come close. I will never consider it. I will never plan it. I will never take that path. The thought makes me want to vomit. Because I respect my children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am NOT, and WILL NEVER BE, Kelli Stapleton. Because I respect my children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em>And because you don’t try to murder people you respect.</em><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Don’t anyone try to fucking tell me that we are all Kelli Stapleton. You don’t have the right. Anyone who respects their children or child, could NEVER be her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I respect my children.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By Ally Grace</span></div>
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(This post can also be found on the Suburban Autistics blog <a href="http://suburbanautistics.blogspot.com.au/2014/10/i-respect-my-children-i-am-not-kelli.html" target="_blank">here</a>.)</div>
Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-49521460153890358512014-10-20T20:00:00.000-07:002014-10-20T20:00:02.583-07:00Litany Against Fear/Litany for Love<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Litany Against Fear/Litany for Love</b></span></div>
<b><br /></b>
<b>I must not fear.</b><br />
Every time I have these conversations, the ones that devolve into hate, I remember: I am moved by love.<br />
<b>Fear is the mind-killer.</b><br />
They are afraid and fear is turning to anger and anger is turning to hate, but I can be fierce with love for their kids, for Autistics present, past, future.<br />
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<b>Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.</b><br />
Standing strong in the face of the wall of dehumanizing hatred is an act of love. My love for my community is my shield and my strength, and it is tempered by ice and by fire.<br />
<b>I will face my fear.</b><br />
I will stand with love. I am standing for love.<br />
<b>I will permit it to pass over me and through me. </b><br />
This is for their children. This is for those who I will know in the future. Who I love without having met yet. For those I know now, and love with such ferocity there are not words for it.<br />
The anger and hate hurts, but it will not break me.<br />
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<b>And when it has gone past me I will turn to see its path. </b><br />
Change is coming. Change has started and more will come, like a wave or a landslide or even a waterfall.<br />
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<b>Where the fear has gone there will be nothing...</b><br />
Our efforts, our love, is not in vain. The children and adults we are fighting for will feel the ripples from our work, even if we never meet them.<br />
<b>Only I will remain.</b><br />
At the end of the day, love will prevail.<br />
Fierce, ferocious, fiery, protective, strong, squishy, gentle, love.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">(With thanks to Frank Herbert for the Litany Against Fear used here.)</span><br />
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This post can also be found on the Radical Neurodivergence blog <a href="http://timetolisten.blogspot.com/2014/02/litany-against-fearlitany-for-love.html" target="_blank">here</a>.Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-68779462015386726472014-10-20T12:00:00.000-07:002014-10-20T12:00:03.711-07:00Sometimes, the Law is Not Enough<div style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #333333; font-family: "Lucida Grande", "Lucida Sans Unicode", "Lucida Sans", Geneva, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 23px; margin-bottom: 2.3rem;">
Kelli Stapleton was a wife and mother living in Benzie County, Michigan. For some time, she had been blogging about her and her daughter’s lives and her fight to obtain services for Isabelle, called Issy, on her blog, The Status Woe (google it, I refuse to give it any more hits). On it, she went into detail about the treatment Issy was subjected to, ABA (Applied Behavioral Therapy, which is essentially “normalization”) and other Lovaasian therapies being the primary cornerstones of the treatment plan. She also allegedly debated more “creative” therapies – such as <a href="http://www.record-eagle.com/news/local_news/article_92479320-cee1-54e2-88fb-dc449147c9d9.html" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">buying a shock collar</a>, intended for dogs, to use on her daughter.</div>
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On Sept. 3, 2013, Stapleton took her 14-year old nonverbal daughter into the family van. She brought two gas grills and put them in the van, and turned them on. Her alleged intent was to kill herself and her daughter via carbon monoxide poisoning. Both survived, though Issy was hospitalized for a long time afterward with alleged brain damage.</div>
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Kelli was arrested and charged with attempted murder.</div>
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Today, almost exactly a year to the day after the crime, Kelli pled guilty to first degree child abuse. Not attempted murder, but child abuse. Judge James Batzer will sentence her.</div>
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I am an autistic adult, and a licensed attorney. I am originally from Michigan.</div>
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This case hits me in a very visceral way.</div>
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I am going to try and explain why the legal stuff happened the way it did. Inasmuch as I can read the mind of a prosecutor who thinks that a plea bargain for attempted murder is okay. Most people in autistic circles are uncomfortably familiar with the facts of the case (hence my very brief recap of the relevant facts). But a lot of people are not attorneys. And believe it or not, there’s one tiny good thing about this plea bargain. In amidst all the bad things.</div>
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Kelli was allowed to plead guilty to Class A <a href="http://www.record-eagle.com/news/local_news/article_692a8e16-41d5-5e27-b577-7a2e3e316e06.html" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">first-degree child abuse</a>. Child abuse is defined in the Michigan Penal Code as “knowingly or intentionally caus[ing] serious physical or serious mental harm to a child.” Serious physical harm is defined as “any physical injury to a child that seriously impairs the child’s health or physical well-being” and it specifically includes internal injury and poisoning. <strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">Legally, the cause of action is solid</strong>. Let me make that clear. Kelli knowingly caused serious physical harm to Issy – she is of average intelligence and there is nothing in any court record I can find to indicate that she was mentally impaired enough to think that carbon monoxide would not cause injury.</div>
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Kelli had been arrested for the crime of attempted murder. The Michigan Penal Code is <a href="http://www.legislature.mi.gov/(S(ammoxr45dg42lh550bnqykb3))/mileg.aspx?page=GetObject&objectname=mcl-750-91" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">much less wordy</a> about attempted murder. In its entirety, the relevant section of code says: “<em style="box-sizing: border-box;">Any person who shall attempt to commit the crime of murder by poisoning, drowning, or strangling another person, or by any means not constituting the crime of assault with intent to murder, shall be guilty of a felony, punishable by imprisonment in the state prison for life or any term of years</em>.”</div>
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The maximum sentence for both attempted murder and first-degree child abuse is life in prison. However, and this is the thing that scares me the most – there is no real mandatory minimum. Some states have a set-in-stone mandatory minimum amount of time that must be served upon conviction of any specific crime. Michigan has <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">recommended</em> minimums, but there is a lot of precedent for ignoring them. Indeed, the trend in Michigan right now is to drop mandatory minimums – in 2003 they were <a href="http://famm.org/states-map/michigan/" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">jettisoned for some federal crimes completely</a>, and even now people are agitating for greater flexibility in federal sentencing guidelines.</div>
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There are several reasons why I am very afraid that Kelli will be sentenced to a term far closer to the minimum than the max.</div>
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<li style="box-sizing: border-box;">The presiding judge is the 19th Judicial Circuit Court’s chief judge, the Hon. <a href="http://www.benzieco.net/dept_judicial_court.htm" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">James M. Batzer</a>. Batzer is 70 years old, having served on the bench for nearly thirty years. However, he is unable to serve any longer – there is a rule which <a href="http://www.shorelinemedia.net/ludington_daily_news/news/local/article_96991092-760e-11e3-9a35-001a4bcf887a.html?mode=jqm" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">bars those over 70 from running for new terms</a>, though they can complete their current term if they turn 70 during that time. That means that whether he decides to throw the book at her or let her go after a year, there is no backlash that can hurt him. He has no career to lose and no political allies to please. This could turn out to be a pleasant surprise, but it’s just too hard to tell. Batzer has a tough record on killers (his best known case is probably that of <a href="http://www.toledoblade.com/local/2006/06/21/Michigan-man-found-guilty-of-murder-in-resort-death-of-wife.html" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">Mark and Florence Unger</a>, where the husband was convicted of letting his wife drown after she fell into Lake Michigan), but none of the killers he has ever sentenced before has had a neuroatypical victim, as far as I can divine, and attempted murder cases simply aren’t covered as much as murders. </li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box;">Media attention. No judge is immune, and it doesn’t help that a hack Beverly Hills psychologist named Carole Lieberman has been yapping about the case. She was quoted in an <a href="http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_MURDER_ATTEMPT_AUTISTIC_DAUGHTER?SITE=NCGRE&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">Associated Press story</a> about the sentencing, stating that Kelli “has been living in a war zone” and was legally insane when she committed the crime. Lieberman, however, has a middling-to-low rating on <a href="http://www.healthgrades.com/physician/dr-carole-lieberman-25w65" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">HealthGrades</a>, and describes herself as a “TV/radio host and speaker” before she mentions psychiatry. I’d be willing to bet she wouldn’t know legal insanity from her elbow. In Michigan, legal insanity is defined as “lack[ing] substantial capacity either to appreciate the nature and quality or the wrongfulness of his or her conduct, or i[inability] to conform his or her conduct to the <a href="http://www.legislature.mi.gov/(S(cfrfei55fupyqd35oj4yxo45))/mileg.aspx?page=GetObject&objectname=mcl-768-21a" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">requirements of the law</a>.” In other words, did you know your actions were wrong? You bet Kelli did.</li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box;">Michigan sentencing guidelines. Holy hell, they are complex, involving point scoring and grids – but the upshot is that the sentencing guidelines state that Class A first degree child abuse can result in a term up to life – but depending on the judge’s discretion and the sentencing guidelines, she could be out in as little as four years. Yes, four years. If you do the math <a href="http://courts.mi.gov/education/mji/publications/documents/sg-manual.pdf" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">after going through the grids and the categories</a>, you get a figure between 75 and 115 points – depending on whether you think Kelli deliberately intended to kill Issy, and did so with premeditation. If you think she didn’t, she gets 75 points, which is a minimum of 4 1/4 years. If you think she did, she gets 115 points, which means a minimum of 15 years. (Big warning for math in that link.) It might confuse you if you look at the chart, but since Kelli has no prior convictions of any kind (at least, not that I’ve been able to find), the box that tells us what her sentence could be are the bottom left three (depending on whether you think she committed the crime with premeditation). For example, if you think the crime was not premeditated, you’d use the fourth box in the first row. The recommended minimum is 51 months – four and 1/4 years, but could be up to 85 – seven years. If you think the crime was premeditated, you’d use the bottom box on the left. The recommended minimum there would be 108 months (9 years), and could be up to 18-0 (15 years). It’s important to notice that these are <strong style="box-sizing: border-box;">minimums, not maximums</strong>.<ul style="box-sizing: border-box; list-style-type: square; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 4rem;">
<li style="box-sizing: border-box;">TL;DR – depending on whether or not you think the crime was premeditated, the minimum sentence she could get is 4 1/4 years, and the max is life. My gut says the sentence will likely fall somewhere around 15 years. And no, that’s nowhere near enough.</li>
</ul>
</li>
<li style="box-sizing: border-box;">The usual anti-autistic hatred. And yes, it is hatred. The complete lack of give-a-crap evinced by the attorneys on both sides. The hateful comments on articles that betray a complete and utter lack of understanding and sympathy for Issy and other autistics. All the defense has to do to get Kelli a light sentence is to portray Issy as an animalistic monster – which shouldn’t be hard, given the way she’s described by some of these experts. The main issue seems to be the beliefs, in tandem, that (1) nonverbal means noncommunicative in any respect, and (2) that an autistic raging means nothing – that there’s no rhyme or reason to it. Both of them are <a href="http://youneedacat.tumblr.com/post/48269351047/nicocoer-hidden-agender" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">completely</a> and <a href="http://wearelikeyourchild.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-checklist-for-identifying-sources-of.html" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">utterly</a> wrong.</li>
</ul>
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However, all of this is in the hands of Judge Batzer. There will be no jury, no trial. No expert testimony. Because Sara Swanson, the prosecuting attorney, saw fit to take a plea.</div>
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There are times when a plea bargain is appropriate. This, in my personal and professional opinion, is not one of those times. Attempted murder of a child should never be pled out. Ever. News outlets have said that Kelli “wanted to save her family the stress of a trial” and while I don’t know if that’s the case, I would never take that plea as a professional. Never mind as an autistic. I don’t know how Swanson will be able to live with the possibility that Kelli will get out and want to be in Issy’s life again. Because she just might.</div>
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Oh, right. One good thing about this plea-bargain.</div>
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Benzie County, Michigan is extremely rural and conservative, with populations identifying as<a href="http://www.city-data.com/county/Benzie_County-MI.html" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">Catholic, Evangelical Lutheran, and even some Mormon adherents</a>. The most well-represented occupation is cleaning/building maintenance. The total population is around 18,000. Those who don’t normally live there are rich vacationers (it’s right next to Traverse City, which is a popular vacation spot). In short, you have blue-collar and white-collar conservatives – most of whom likely only know autism either from the media, or from throwing money at “afflicted” relatives to make them “normal.” Getting a jury with the slightest understanding of Issy’s life would have been an absolute nightmare.</div>
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As an attorney, I’m required to be impartial and calm, as well as not give any kind of specific legal advice. I have not given any specific legal advice here. And I am calm. But there’s no way I can be impartial. I’m sick over the idea that my profession will not protect people like Issy as well as it should. I feel as though I’ve let her down, as silly as that might be. I want to do better. I want us to do better.</div>
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For a while I wasn’t sure why I was so angry about the plea-bargain – the penalty for first-degree child abuse is actually more severe in Kelli’s case than it would be for attempted murder; it’s not like she was going to be acquitted, and it’s not like she was going to get life – come on, I’m not that optimistic. But I realized that I was furious, just downright livid, that Issy wouldn’t get her day in court. That no one would hear the gory details of just what Kelli tried to do to her own flesh and blood, the daughter she ought to have protected but instead tried to “make normal.” Yes, we got Kelli’s soppy, self-serving recounting, complete with tears and references to “<a href="http://www.record-eagle.com/news/local_news/article_692a8e16-41d5-5e27-b577-7a2e3e316e06.html" sl-processed="1" style="-webkit-transition: none; border-bottom-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.098039); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #bb0000; text-decoration: none; transition: none;">going to Jesus</a>” (that link makes me sick to my stomach, but I include it in the interests of being thorough). But we didn’t get Issy’s side. We didn’t get how terrifying and awful it must have been. Even in pleading guilty, Kelli kept control. Issy didn’t get a say. Even on her way to prison, Kelli kept Issy from having a voice. (That level of manipulation, domination and control is indicative of what used to be called sociopathy.) And I will never forgive that evil, narcissistic woman for that. Ever. I do believe there is evil in the world. </div>
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I’m just praying to whatever G-d may be there, or whatever fate controls the universe, that Judge Batzer does the right thing. </div>
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By Cara</div>
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(This post can also be found on The Fool on the Hill blog <a href="http://shesjustafool.wordpress.com/2014/09/04/sometimes-the-law-is-not-enough/" target="_blank">here</a>.)</div>
Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-60241677891784509372014-10-20T08:00:00.000-07:002014-10-20T08:00:01.834-07:00Kelli Stapleton, Issy Stapleton, and Two Discussions<br />
I read an awesome blog last week about Kelli Stapleton. For those that don’t know, Kelli Stapleton was just sentenced 10 – 22 years in prison on October 8 for attempting to murder her daughter, Issy, then 14, who is autistic. Kelly took Issy to an isolated area, drugged her, shut herself up in a van with<br />
Issy and two lit charcoal grills, told her daughter that she loved her, and quietly waited for the both of them to fall asleep together. Luckily, someone discovered them and took them to a hospital before it was too late. Issy was in a coma for three weeks and has suffered some brain damage. Kelly<br />
pleaded guilty at trial to first degree child abuse, and advocates feared that she’d receive a more lenient sentence than she would for attempted murder on a non-disabled child. However, her sentence is commensurate with one for that crime.<br />
<br />
I’ve tried to write this blog post many times already and can’t<br />
seem to get it right, so I’m going to try to make this as simple as possible. There’s a long, long list of disabled people who were murdered by their parents. The list to which I just linked begins with Canadian Tracy Latimer, who was 12 years when she was murdered by her father, Robert Latimer. I was fifteen, just three years older than Tracy, and just starting volunteer work with disabled people when Tracy Latimer’s death hit the news. I was just starting to develop a different lens through which to see her death than the 73% of Canadians in 1999 who thought that his action was taken out of compassion, and the 41% who believed in mercy killing (Ipsos 1999 ). I always thought that he should go to prison.<br />
<br />
I vacillated as to how long as the case developed. Even at that age I could appreciate how difficult it<br />
must be to watch your kid in pain and not be able to do anything about it…not even give her pain<br />
medication, because it didn't work. And to know that her body was just going to keep breaking down,<br />
requiring surgery after surgery, until keeping her together was going to be more painful than letting<br />
her fall apart. It had to be hell. How long could you really keep a father in prison who only wanted to<br />
spare his daughter more pain?<br />
<br />
I don’t know when I turned the corner on it, but now I say that he should have served the same<br />
amount of time that he would have if he’d murdered a non-disabled child, as Autistic Self-Advocacy<br />
Network’s Ari Ne’eman argued at Kelli Stapleton’s sentencing hearing. A disabled child’s life is a life, and there’s already a perception out there that disabled people are disposable that doesn't need<br />
further encouragement. Besides, I think Robert Latimer’s desire not to see his daughter in pain was also at least in part about him no longer having to watch his daughter in pain…and it’s not fair that she ultimately paid the price for that. Because of a technicality with his first trial, it was 8 years before Latimer even went to prison forsecond-degree murder. He was out in 9 years.<br />
<br />
But back to Issy and Kelli Stapleton.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Issy and Kelli Stapleton – Two Important Discussions</i></div>
<br />
As I said, most Canadians supported Robert Latimer’s actions, and Kelli Stapleton definitely has her<br />
supporters too – particularly on social media, and on the blog that she wrote. This isn’t unusual when<br />
a parent kills a disabled child, especially since the media tends to paint the parent in a sympathetic<br />
light and to play up the difficulties involved in parenting the disabled child. The Dr. Phil Show in<br />
particular drew a great deal of criticism for this after interviewing Kelli Stapleton from prison.<br />
I watched Dr. Phil’s two-part show about Kelli Stapleton's actions – twice – and I think that part of the problem was that there two important discussions that arise from stories like this, and one really got almost totally ignored – by the Dr. Phil Show and in general by the media.<br />
<div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
There’s a complicated discussion about lack or scarcity or resources that meet the needs unique</div>
<div>
needs of disabled children and their families. Kelli Stapleton said that she couldn't get any help. I've</div>
<div>
heard this before in stories where a parent murders a child. I also read her blog – it does seem like</div>
<div>
she was receiving some supports. Were they not meeting Issy’s needs? The family’s needs? Would something have worked more effectively? What?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We’re discovering in Canada that slotting people into inflexible supports and saying “This is how it is adapt to us” doesn't produce the best outcomes. It’s led to provinces adopting individualized funding,</div>
<div>
where people receive funding to purchase their own supports from a variety of providers – the improved flexibility lets families create a support system that meets their needs more effectively and</div>
<div>
produces better outcomes for everyone involved. Because a great support is useless if it’s only</div>
<div>
offered at a time that the family is unable to access it, or if a family must accept a whole package of</div>
<div>
services that won’t work for them just to access one that might. Everyone has different needs.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Maybe this is what was going on with the Stapletons, maybe not, but it’s worth thinking about in</div>
<div>
general. Perhaps, as some have suggested, Kelli Stapleton is just a person who wasn’t interested in</div>
<div>
effectively using what was being offered to her. I don’t know. But I’m hoping that the people offering</div>
<div>
supports to the Stapletons at the time of the attempted murder thoroughly went over what everyone</div>
<div>
was doing with the family at the time, because a few things that came up during the Dr. Phil interview that made me think, “That needs to be looked into. Someone dropped the ball there.”</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And then there’s a second discussion, the one that the media in general hasn’t been having about</div>
<div>
Issy and Kelli Stapleton. doesn't have. It’s arguably the more vital of the two, and the fact that the</div>
<div>
media doesn't have it is a huge problem. Few in the mainstream media say that it’s simply wrong to murder disabled people.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Lack of services is not an excuse.</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>Difficult behaviour is not an excuse.</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>Sparing a person pain is not an excuse.</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>Parents convincing themselves that the disabled child would be better off in Heaven is not an excuse.</b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><u>There is no excuse.</u></b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Plenty of people in the disability community have said this since Kelli Stapleton tried to murder Issy,</div>
<div>
especially since the Dr. Phil interview. Dr. Phil tried to say it, I think. He was clear with Kelli Stapleton that he found her actions unacceptable, but the message was lost. It didn’t make it through to the people who are used to the very direct, “What were you thinking??” approach that he takes with other parents of children in crisis. He went extremely easy on her. There were many questions that I wanted answered that weren’t asked, and and the social media response showed that people came away with a sympathetic view of her.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The media needs to tell people that there’s no excuse for that, either. It’s victim blaming, and it</div>
<div>
doesn’t happen when parents murder non-disabled children. This should not be a society where, when</div>
<div>
a child is murdered, the murderer gets our sympathy.</div>
</div>
<div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Justice for Issy Stapleton</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
For justice’s sake, let’s take it down to the bottom line and leave autism out of it: Kelli Stapleton tried</div>
<div>
to murder her daughter, Issy, and got the usual sentence of 10 – 22 years in prison. That’s the justice</div>
<div>
that Issy Stapleton deserves, and that’s what all of us who have been standing behind her were</div>
<div>
hoping for. I think that this is the closest that I’m going to get to what I want to say. The awesome blog that I mentioned in the first line was written by Beth Ryan at Love Explosions.</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Here's some more great writing about Kelly Stapleton and her daughter Issy Stapleton:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<a href="http://iamnotkellistapletonflashblog.blogspot.ca/2014/10/join-iamnotkellistapleton-flash-blog.html" target="_blank">I Am Not Kelli Stapleton Flash Blog</a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<a href="http://autisticadvocacy.org/2014/10/asan-disability-community-statement-on-sentencing-of-kelli-stapleton/" target="_blank">ASAN, Disability Community Statement on the Sentencing of Kelli Stapleton</a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<a href="http://www.blogher.com/changing-conversations-when-parents-murder-disabled-children" target="_blank">Changing Conversations: When Parents Murder Disabled Children</a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
By Sarah Levis</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
(This post can also be found on the Girl with the Cane blog <a href="http://www.girlwiththecane.com/kelli-stapleton-two-discussions/" target="_blank">here</a>.)</div>
Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-89992050410513439672014-10-19T20:00:00.000-07:002014-10-19T20:00:01.943-07:00For Issy and All of Us: This is Autism<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is Autism - For Issy and All of Us</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">A world where we are defined as a list of "deficits" and "problems" needing to be overcome.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">A world where our killers can be showered with sympathy and compassion for having had to endure a life with us.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Incessant fatigue created by having to navigate societies not designed for us, not respectful of us, not accepting of us.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">This is autism.<br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Being misunderstood. Being judged. Being discriminated against. Being manipulated.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">But this is also autism:</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Learning to cope. Learning to stand. Learning to embrace oneself. Learning to live.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Originality. Uniqueness. Sensitivity. Detail. Tenacity. Courage. Truth.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Being human. Being accepted. Being loved. Being free.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">A growing community. Hope. Change. Faith. Surrounded by the love and support that strengthens us.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Understanding.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="background-color: white;">Resilience.</span></span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Survival.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Justice.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Future.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Purpose.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Acceptance.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">It is me.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">It is you.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">It is us.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It is Issy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Issy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Issy - smiling. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Issy - dancing. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Issy- learning. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Issy - growing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Issy - laughing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Issy...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Living.<br style="background-color: white;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">This is autism.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">(By M. Onaiwu)</span></span>Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-23276905872179681582014-10-19T12:00:00.000-07:002014-10-19T12:00:02.757-07:00Kelli Stapleton. Still relevant.<i>It was always directed toward me. Her um anger and aggression. Always toward me. I wondered if that was a consequence of doing a Lovaas replication program. Because I’ve been in her face since before she was two years old. It was always touch your nose. Touch the apple. Do this. Do that. And you know, um, maybe this is sort of a natural consequence to that. I’m not really sure. But I’m sure at this point it is some sort of shaped behavior. Because sometimes even making eye contact with her will trigger a response.</i> (Kelli Stapleton–full interview <a href="http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thecoffeeklatch/2012/12/10/the-physically-abused-parent--autism-and-mental-illness" target="_blank">here</a>)<br />
<br />
There is no doubt that the tragedy involving Kelli Stapleton and the attempted murder of her child belongs in every single conversation around Autism “treatments”, bullying, and the way that some parents of Autistic children habitually devalue and dehumanize their children.<br />
<br />
The fact that so many parents are still willing to make the claim that Kelli’s attempt to murder her own child is “an act of love” means that her name and the road she traveled to get to the place where she was able to harm her child needs to be brought up again and again.<br />
<br />
We need to examine. To scrutinize the ill fated journey that she took to get to that place. It is uncomfortable. It is painful. And it is entirely necessary to talk about that heartbreaking topic.<br />
<br />
The how and why are so very important.<br />
<br />
The easiest answer is that there aren't enough services. That there aren't enough supports for Autistic people and their families. And while it is true that Autistic people are in desperate need of more direct services and supports, we cannot say that lack of services are to blame for Kelli’s attempt on her child’s life. Issy had just come home from an extended stay in a residential facility and Issy had around the clock care.<br />
<br />
So we must look elsewhere for our answers. I believe that the answers are in the way, even as parents, we have come to see Autistic people. Not fully human. Not worthy of the rights and respect that most of us take for granted.<br />
<br />
If you read Kelli’s blog, you will not think it unlike many blogs written by parents of Autistic children. For instance, you probably would not dream of posting a video of a typical teenager at his most vulnerable moment. But parents of Autistic children do so habitually. When either of my children are having a challenging moment, the furthest think from my mind is snapping a picture of myself comforting her. Or capturing a video of a meltdown. These are sacred moments where my child needs me. Where I am thinking, only, of making sure my child knows that I am present and loving her with my entire being.<br />
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Capturing media as fodder for one’s blog should be about the furthest thing from one’s mind. And I don’t believe that it is with this type of parent. The martyr mommy/daddy. Sure they can claim that they are trying to help other parents not feel so alone…or whatever the party line is. But even if that is true, if my belief that they are attention seeking is wrong, they are doing so at the expense of the privacy of their children. “Helping” other parents should not override the sacred trust of a parent/child relationship.<br />
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Parents prone towards these acts of betrayal of their children are not merely poor parents. Because the ones that I've seen and am speaking of are also prone towards despicable acts of emotional and verbal abuse towards Autistic adults that are brave enough to face their wrath.<br />
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This tells me that these parents have devalued, not only their children, but Autistic people in general. This should not be exactly surprising given the culture of hate and systemic dehumanization of Autistic people that we are entrenched in. Nonetheless, I continue to be shocked by the lengths that these parents are willing to go to viciously bully Autistic people. They wield their advantages of the power differential in shocking and despicable ways and maintain the nerve to cry out that they are the victims of discrimination.<br />
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Discrimination is a combination of power and prejudice. Autistic people lack power. They are a minority group and victims of all sorts of things like media bias, systemic oppression, marginalization, etc. Autistic people are capable of bigotry. But they are not capable of the type of discrimination that parents of screaming about. The continued insistence that parents are the victims is offensive and only serves to underscore the fact that these loud parents are ignorant about what it means to be part of a minority.<br />
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I wouldn't worry so much about what these foolish parents say. Except that they are so damn loud and aggressive. I cannot stand the thought of their voices–the voices of murder apologists– dominating the conversation around my daughter’s neurology. The thought that they are perpetuating the Autism Speaks’ fear and tragedy stereotypes make it impossible for me to ignore them.<br />
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And so I stand with the brave Autistic adults, who are regularly targeted and viciously attacked by this insidious tribe. I stand with them because they are awesome and courageous and kind. Yes. Because they are my friends. Yes. But also because every single time they hang their necks out,knowing full well that they will be targeted and abused as a result, they are hanging them out for my daughter.<br />
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So I’m selfish. And I’m grateful with every fiber of my being. As such, it is my moral obligation–the moral obligation of every single parent of an Autistic child out there, to use our advantages to support the creation of a world where our children are seen as whole and valuable human beings. That starts with the recognition of the fact that the assault against the humanity of any Autistic person is as good as an assault against our very children.<br />
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By Beth Ryan<br />
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(This post can also be found on the Love Explosions blog <a href="http://loveexplosions.net/2014/01/03/kelli-stapleton-still-relevant/" target="_blank">here</a>.)Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-44439704929668798242014-10-19T08:00:00.000-07:002014-10-19T08:00:04.114-07:00The Stapleton Case Causes Autism in Kids to be Misunderstood<div class="p1" style="line-height: 15px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 18px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">In September 2014, “Dr. Phil” aired a two-part exclusive interview and show called “A Mother’s Worst Nightmare,” which featured a Michigan woman named Kelli Stapleton. Last September, Stapleton was accused of trying to murder her daughter, Isabelle “Issy” Stapleton, and attempting suicide.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Issy Stapleton is an autistic teenager who was prone to violent outbursts, with her mother and sister taking the brunt of the abuse. Horrific photos and descriptions during the interview showed Kelli may have suffered brain damage at Issy’s hands, as well as other bruises and signs of physical pain.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Rather than being charged with attempted murder, Stapleton was only indicted on charges of first-degree child abuse. Despite the lesser charge, she could face a maximum of a life sentence behind bars. She has not talked to her daughter, whose violent condition is improving after treatment and therapy since the incident.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The treatment of this tragic and complicated issue by Dr. Phil has been deeply troubling and misleading. Kelli Stapleton said on the program that the “jail of Benzie County has been a much kinder warden than the jail of autism has been.” Dr. Phil then brought on another guest: a mother who thought about killing herself and her severely autistic and violent son but couldn’t bring herself to do it. Dr. Phil framed these segments in a way that seemed to practically excuse these mothers for attempting to murder their disabled children.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I first read about the Stapleton incident last year in People magazine, and it kept me up at night. It appalls me that Stapleton is apparently being treated less harshly for her attempted murder-suicide simply because her daughter is mentally disabled.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Issy did not consent to her mother’s attempt to “take her to heaven.” Although Issy expressed violent tendencies, it doesn’t mean Issy was unhappy or in a bad place — she may have had difficulties expressing herself, as many individuals with autism do.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Certainly, Issy Stapleton is not fully innocent either. Issy would habitually attack her sister, and the girls’ mother would suffer the brunt of the violence in an attempt to protect her. However, Issy is, without a doubt, the true victim in this situation, as she was the one who suffered an attempt on her life and languished in a coma, all caused by her own mother.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Dr. Phil should also be criticized for his flippant treatment of this sensitive issue. The media already has a penchant for portraying autistic people and those with other mental health issues as violent and destructive. The high profile cases of mass murderers Adam Lanza and Elliot Rodger — both believed to have Aspergers’ Syndrome — have further damaged the reputation of those with mental illness or neurological disorders.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Giving favorable treatment to Kelli Stapleton, someone who attempted to murder her own daughter because of her disability, is appalling and absolutely unacceptable. Disabled lives are not worth less than anyone else’s life. Murder is murder, no matter who the intended victim is.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">By <a href="http://www.haleymossart.com/myART/Welcome.html" target="_blank">Haley Moss</a></span></div>
Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-57449650795416871692014-10-18T18:00:00.000-07:002014-10-18T18:00:00.815-07:00Autistic Hoya: Awakening<h3 class="post-title entry-title" itemprop="name" style="font-family: Vollkorn; font-size: 22px; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal; margin: 0.75em 0px 0px; position: relative;">
Awakening</h3>
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Why am I here?<br />
They ask me what I mean, and I speak,<br />
but my speech has no meaning,<br />
and they give it no value.<br />
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Who am I to speak?<br />
I know no one, am no one,<br />
and can make no list of glories,<br />
and they know this better than me.<br />
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I have all the people in the world around me,<br />
but no one to listen to me and crave me,<br />
and I cannot understand their language,<br />
and they say I have none.<br />
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Why can't I cry?<br />
They deny me even that comfort,<br />
and I am desperate for bitterness and rage,<br />
and they scorn that I could imagine aposiopesis.<br />
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Why can't I have solitude?<br />
Information everywhere and too much to do and no time and no space,<br />
and people suffering with no advocate,<br />
and they would mock the day I betrayed them with silence.<br />
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I have all the words in the world waiting on the cusp of my lips,<br />
but no one to listen to me and crave me,<br />
and I do not speak their language,<br />
and they will not let me simply be.<br />
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I am afraid of my awakening,<br />
And they tell me I will not have one,<br />
But I know how it will come—<br />
They will not see as I slip from knowing to believing.</div>
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(This post can also be found on the Autistic Hoya blog <a href="http://www.autistichoya.com/2012/07/awakening.html" target="_blank">here</a>.)</div>
Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-7330534371947301582014-10-18T12:00:00.000-07:002014-10-18T12:00:01.456-07:00Isabelle Stapleton<div style="margin: 0in;">
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">There is no excuse for premeditated murder or premeditated attempted
murder. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">There is no excuse for the premeditated attempted
murder of a child. There is no excuse for
the premeditated attempted murder of a child with a disability. There is no excuse for the premeditated attempted
murder of a child with a disability by their mother. Suicide or attempted suicide does not excuse or
mitigate a premeditated murder or premeditated attempted murder. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">The criminal actions and potential loss of life are not reduced by
any circumstances and certainly not because the victim is a person with a disability. </span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Isabelle Stapleton has been critically harmed and nearly died through
the intentional acts of another person.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Now, what matters is this child and the life she will live. This is and should be about a 14 year old and
her current fight. That she has a disability
changes nothing. This is true whether she
has autism or other disability or does not have a disability.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">While we support and hope for the best for Isabelle, we should expect
that the mother face what any person who attempted to murder someone would face. What this child’s mother did, was and always
will be wrong. Period.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">By Dohn Hoyle<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;">(This was originally posted on Bridges 4 Kids’
website <a href="http://www.bridges4kids.org/issy/9-10-13IsabelleStapleton.pdf" target="_blank">here</a>.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-62981166541407485392014-10-18T08:00:00.000-07:002014-10-18T08:00:05.124-07:00Issy is the Victim, Not Kelli<div style="background-color: white; border: 0px currentColor; color: #373737; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24.37px; margin-bottom: 1.62em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
I have started and erased this post more than a dozen times. I do not know exactly what to say. On Tuesday September 3, 2013, a mother, Kelli Stapleton, decided to end her life and the life of her 14-year-old autistic daughter, Issy. Her husband called police after Kelli left a disconcerting voicemail on his phone and once he discovered she and Issy were gone, along with the family van. Police discovered them both unconscious, in a van with two portable coal burners, dying of carbon monoxide poisoning. Kelli has been released from the hospital, but Issy remains, with the extent of permanent brain damage still unknown.</div>
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I confess, I cannot understand Kelli Stapleton. I understand stress, and autism, and autism parenting, believe me I do. What I cannot, and perhaps do not want to understand, is the murderous impulse behind her actions and decisions.</div>
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My own autistic child turned 8 this week, amidst the turmoil of moving cross-country and trying to get enrolled in new services and a new school. The stress of that caused me to have a panic attack in the Chicago train station. I understand stress.</div>
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I understand the frustration and hopelessness that comes from having a child you don’t yet know how to effectively communicate with; my son didn’t start talking till he was 4, after 3 years of speech therapy, and we struggled with finding non-verbal means to talk to one another. (Homemade flashcards were a huge help.)</div>
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I understand the crushing weight of poverty, and trying to find money for one more thing while life itself seems too expensive to continue paying for. As a former single parent and as a parent currently living across the country from my co-parent, I understand the endless feeling of having too much to do and not enough emotional reserves to keep going.</div>
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As my son begins 3rd grade at his fifth school this year, I understand the weariness that comes from IEP meeting after IEP meeting after IEP meeting. I understand the frustration and grief from discovering that yet another program has failed to adequately meet my child’s needs.</div>
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As a very petite barely-over-100 lbs mother, I understand the concerns parents have about children who are bigger, stronger, and can hit them or hit them back. This is why I’ve never relied on physical strength to maintain peace and harmony in our home.</div>
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I can understand feeling suicidal; I cannot understand feeling homicidal, not to anyone who has hurt me and certainly not to my son who I owe everything to.</div>
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Much of the media, and a lot of the “autism community” blog posts have centered on Kelli as an understandable figure, driven to murder by the stress of having an autistic child. These voices are not helping. They won’t prevent the next murder or attempted murder. Instead they will excuse it, as they are attempting to excuse this one.</div>
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Autism Speaks released a <a href="http://www.autismspeaks.org/news/news-item/autism-speaks-responds-issy-stapleton-tragedy" sl-processed="1" style="border: 0px currentColor; color: #1982d1; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">statement</a> that said, “We are deeply saddened by the incident involving Issy Stapleton.” That sentence would not indicate to someone unfamiliar with the story what happened – that Issy’s mother knowingly and intentionally planned and attempted to execute the murder of her 14-year-old child. The “incident” was a criminal action that could have cost Issy her life, and may very well cost her higher mental functioning.</div>
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Issy had been separated from her family, her friends, her school, and her cat so that she could live in a residential “treatment center” for autistic children between the ages of 7 and 17, called the Great Lakes Center for Autism Treatment and Research. Their own <a href="http://www.autismtreatmentresearch.org/about-us" sl-processed="1" style="border: 0px currentColor; color: #1982d1; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">About Us</a> page paints a negative, fear-mongering, and above all dehumanizing view of autistic children with this unsourced claim, “The average cost to society of a child diagnosed with autism, through age <strong style="border: 0px currentColor; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">55</strong>, is currently estimated at <strong style="border: 0px currentColor; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">$3.6 million</strong>.” This way of talking about autistic people is atrocious – it contributes to feelings of worthlessness in autistic individuals, and it gives parents a doom and gloom mentality they really do not need to have.</div>
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One of Kelli’s online friends has <a href="http://www.mostlytruestuff.com/2013/09/the-story-that-needs-to-be-told.html" sl-processed="1" style="border: 0px currentColor; color: #1982d1; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">blogged</a> that, “If we do not understand what caused Kelli to break and work like hell to fix it in our own communities and in the system, we are all at risk for it. All of us.”</div>
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This is bullshit. The community did not try to murder Issy. The “system” did not try to murder Issy. Kelli Stapleton tried to murder Issy. Can we at least keep this most basic of facts in the case straight?</div>
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These murders can be prevented, but that prevention won’t take the form of more funding for the residential facility where Issy’s parents had her housed up until last Thursday, five days before her mother tried to kill her. That prevention must start with us, the parents. We are the ones responsible for our own actions, and if we cannot claim the minimum responsibility to not murder our children, we do not deserve to have these children in our lives.</div>
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If you sometimes fantasize about killing your child, get help. If you find it all too easy to empathize with Kelli, but don’t empathize with Issy, get help. Stop demanding more autism services for your child and start finding out what is wrong with you, and start fixing it.</div>
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As parents we should demand a better world for our children, not that our children fit better in this world. Autism is not a death sentence, unless a parent or caregiver decides to make it one. Decide better.</div>
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By Angie Jackson</div>
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(This post can also be found on the Angie the Anti-theist blog <a href="http://angieantitheist.wordpress.com/2013/09/08/its-about-issy/" target="_blank">here</a>.)</div>
Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-22908904584888377982014-10-17T18:00:00.001-07:002014-10-17T18:00:00.845-07:00Letter to the parents of autistic children<h3 class="post-title entry-title" itemprop="name" style="font-family: Vollkorn; font-size: 22px; font-stretch: normal; font-weight: normal; margin: 0.75em 0px 0px; position: relative;">
Letter to the parents of Autistic children</h3>
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Note: <span style="font-weight: normal;">If you are seriously considering suicide, please call the suicide hotline immediately at </span><b><i>1-800-273-8255</i></b>. <span style="font-weight: normal;">If you are seriously considering hurting or killing your Autistic child, please call the crisis hotline immediately at </span><b><i>713-468-5463</i></b>. </h3>
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<span style="line-height: 24.63px;">To the parents of Autistic children:</span><br />
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We need you.</div>
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Sometimes in public discourse, Autistic adults and non-Autistic parents disagree over very important issues that affect each of us personally. Sometimes this disagreement is spectacularly explosive.</div>
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But there is no way for the autism and Autistic communities to move forward without creating some type of group cohesiveness. Yes, that means that we will have to enter into painful dialogue and discourse, and yes, that means we will have to accept the validity and legitimacy of the ideas and feelings of people with whom we may disagree. It does not mean that we have to set aside all of our differences, because that would make us self-deceivers. But it does mean that we have an obligation to each other and to ourselves to recognize what Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. called "inescapable mutuality."</div>
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Every Autistic child, youth, and adult had parents. Many of those parents were non-Autistic, and some were Autistic, and others were likely diagnosable as Autistic. Many, but not all, of those parents were good parents. Most had very good intentions and wanted what they understood to be the absolute best for their children. Others were abusive, emotionally or physically, and did not care much for their children's welfare.</div>
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And parents have always been deeply involved in the conversations about autism. Many times, non-Autistic parents have been the primary and only voice speaking about autism while Autistic adults have been excluded from the conversation. Many times when Autistic adults ask or demand to be included meaningfully in conversations about issues that affect us, we are told that we don't or can't represent or understand the breadth and diversity of needs and abilities of the whole Autistic population.</div>
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The truth is that all of our voices are valuable, important, and necessary, particularly when we disagree among ourselves and between each other.</div>
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The truth is that we do not merely deserve to be validated, but that we must be.</div>
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The truth is that we, Autistic adults, youth, and children, need you. We need you to support us. We need you to love us. We need you to listen to us, and to believe that whatever we have to say, write, sign, draw, or communicate in any other way is of vital importance whether or not you agree with it.</div>
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Without your help and love, we might not make it in the world as adults. Many non-Autistic parents worry about what will happen when their Autistic children will age first into adolescence and then into adulthood. They worry about whether their children will ever be able to live independently, and if not, what options their children will have to live as independently as possible. They worry about whether their children will ever be able to get and keep a job, and possibly support themselves.</div>
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And the truth is that the best outcomes can occur only when all involved work to give us as much independence and self-advocacy skills as possible. The more we can learn to express ourselves and communicate with the people around us, the better we will be able to advocate for our own needs and desires. The more we can learn to cope with anxiety and sensory problems, the better we will be able to navigate a world that was not built with the needs of Autistics in mind. And you, parents, are placed in a unique position to be able to encourage the lifelong development of self-support and self-advocacy skills.</div>
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Sadly, many parents of Autistic children do not receive support from their families, friends, neighbors, or communities. You may feel isolated, alone, and overwhelmed. Most of you did not expect to have an Autistic child, and most of you don't enter the world of autism understanding all of its subtle nuances -- how to negotiate an IEP, how to navigate the confusing array of "therapies" and "interventions," how to plan for the future, how to appropriately measure and evaluate your child's development. Being thrown into a new and unexpected situation can be confusing and stressful. It can be worse when family members refuse to acknowledge your child's special needs or worse yet, blame your parenting for producing a "defiant" or "stubborn" child. Many of you probably cry when you think no one can see you.</div>
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But there are some things we want to tell you.</div>
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Don't give up. No matter how overwhelmed you might feel at times, we need to know that you are determined to do everything you can to ensure that we have a place in the world as we grow into it. We need to know that of all people, our parents have not given up on trying to make the world a better place for us to be.</div>
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Seek support. National organizations like the Autism Society, the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, the Autism National Committee, and the Autism Women's Network have chapters and members across America and sometimes abroad (and frequently have partner organizations and connections to people in other countries.) You will not like or agree with everyone you meet in person or online, but you have to surround yourself with a support net of people -- whether other parents, Autistic adults, or professionals -- who can appreciate the struggles that you and your child face.</div>
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But seek support especially from Autistic adults. Even if you disagree with the ideas or beliefs of some Autistic adults, we are people who have been in the same places as your child. We share many experiences, including the ways in which we experience and perceive the world around us. Some of us were head-bangers. Some of us cannot speak. Some of us cannot live independently. Some of us went to segregated classes or schools. Some of us went to mainstream schools. Some of us also have mental health conditions, and some of us have also been tested as gifted. Most of us stim. Some of us can "pass" for "normal," but many of us can't. We are not identical to each other or to your child, but we can identify with your child. We have been Autistic our entire lives, and we have survived the transition from childhood to adulthood. We can offer insight into the ways your child behaves, acts, and processes information from firsthand experience. And we can tell you what has worked and what hasn't when we had to transition into adulthood.</div>
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We, Autistic adults, are the continual reminder that what you do as you raise your children will have a lasting impact on the next generation of Autistics. What our parents did for us -- both the good and the bad -- has permanently and undeniably contributed to who we are today. Be the positive force of encouragement and support for your child.</div>
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We needed to know that our parents loved us exactly as we are. We needed to know that instead of being obsessed with fixing or managing us, our parents wanted to blaze a trail for us to live and thrive as Autistic people. We needed our parents to understand that it is okay to be Autistic, even though that means we are also disabled. We needed our parents to guide us into your world -- the world of people who aren't Autistic and who don't understand what it is like to live Autistic. We needed our parents to be there not only when times were good and we were coping well, but also when times were bad and we needed more support than usual.</div>
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Your child does too.</div>
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Your child needs you to know these things, to do these things, to understand these things.</div>
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Your child needs to know that Autistic doesn't mean less or worse or defective or broken. Your child needs to know that you value being Autistic. Your child cannot become a healthy and happy adult unless you show with both words and actions that your child is loved exactly as is, and that your child will be supported and guided to as much independence as is possible.</div>
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It is not easy to be Autistic in your world. Your world was not made or meant for people like us. This is why we need you. Without that love and support, we might not make it in the world, and if we do, it will be harder than if we had that love and support.</div>
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We live in a society where ableism, the idea that people are superior or inferior on the basis of ability or lack thereof, has been thoroughly institutionalized in our attitudes, systems, service provision, and language.</div>
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This Tuesday, the sixth of March, the mother of a twenty-two year old Autistic son shot her son and then herself. She said that she was tired, lonely, and unable to care for her son anymore. <span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><a href="http://www.mercurynews.com/sunnyvale/ci_20120851/sunnyvale-police-mother-killed-22-year-old-son" target="_blank">The article reporting the murder-suicide</a> </span>q</span>uoted neighbors and other people who knew the family describing the mother as a wonderful person who loved her son, was under a big strain and depressed, and who had no respite. While I'm not inclined to spend my words vilifying Elizabeth Hodgins, this is not the first time a parent has murdered an Autistic child and was all but absolved for the crime in the media simply because raising a child with special needs can be overwhelming and stressful.</div>
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When parents murder children who are not disabled, the public is typically enraged and demands justice. When this happens to children with developmental or intellectual disabilities, it is far more typical to read comments and quotes expressing support for the parent who killed rather than condemnation of the societal conditions and attitudes that drove the parent to such desperation to commit murder of a human being.</div>
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When we Autistic adults read this type of article -- and this is only the most recent in a long train of killings of Autistic children -- it terrifies us. When articles reporting on these crimes spend the majority of their words not merely expressing sympathy for the perpetrator but calling for readers to understand that the difficulty of the situation somehow justifies the murder of a disabled person, they also inadvertently send the very powerful message that the lives of people with disabilities are not equal in value or worth to the lives of people without them.</div>
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Don't let your children grow up in a world where society devalues their lives.</div>
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It is parents, albeit a very small minority of parents, who visit these atrocities against their children, against children who needed their love and support. Thus, it you, parents, who bear the great responsibility to make your voices heard throughout your communities and networks that you love your children as they are, that you want the best for your children even if it means making enormous sacrifices, that you want to be part of the collective community in uplifting and empowering the next generation of Autistic children so that one day no parent will feel compelled or driven to murder and that no Autistic child will grow up thinking of him or herself as defective or broken or a burden.</div>
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We need you, because we can't do this alone. Your children need you, because they deserve to grow up in a world where things are better for them than they have been for us. Your children need you to dispel ableism from their world, little by little, so that one day there will be a future where ableism is no longer institutionalized into our society and systems.</div>
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Be here.</div>
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(This post can also be found on the Autistic Hoya blog <a href="https://www.blogger.com/Letter%20to%20the%20parents%20of%20Autistic%20children%20Note:%20If%20you%20are%20seriously%20considering%20suicide,%20please%20call%20the%20suicide%20hotline%20immediately%20at%201-800-273-8255.%20If%20you%20are%20seriously%20considering%20hurting%20or%20killing%20your%20Autistic%20child,%20please%20call%20the%20crisis%20hotline%20immediately%20at%20713-468-5463.%20%20%20%20__________%20%20To%20the%20parents%20of%20Autistic%20children:%20%20We%20need%20you.%20%20Sometimes%20in%20public%20discourse,%20Autistic%20adults%20and%20non-Autistic%20parents%20disagree%20over%20very%20important%20issues%20that%20affect%20each%20of%20us%20personally.%20Sometimes%20this%20disagreement%20is%20spectacularly%20explosive.%20%20But%20there%20is%20no%20way%20for%20the%20autism%20and%20Autistic%20communities%20to%20move%20forward%20without%20creating%20some%20type%20of%20group%20cohesiveness.%20Yes,%20that%20means%20that%20we%20will%20have%20to%20enter%20into%20painful%20dialogue%20and%20discourse,%20and%20yes,%20that%20means%20we%20will%20have%20to%20accept%20the%20validity%20and%20legitimacy%20of%20the%20ideas%20and%20feelings%20of%20people%20with%20whom%20we%20may%20disagree.%20It%20does%20not%20mean%20that%20we%20have%20to%20set%20aside%20all%20of%20our%20differences,%20because%20that%20would%20make%20us%20self-deceivers.%20But%20it%20does%20mean%20that%20we%20have%20an%20obligation%20to%20each%20other%20and%20to%20ourselves%20to%20recognize%20what%20Dr.%20Martin%20Luther%20King%20Jr.%20called%20%22inescapable%20mutuality.%22%20%20Every%20Autistic%20child,%20youth,%20and%20adult%20had%20parents.%20Many%20of%20those%20parents%20were%20non-Autistic,%20and%20some%20were%20Autistic,%20and%20others%20were%20likely%20diagnosable%20as%20Autistic.%20Many,%20but%20not%20all,%20of%20those%20parents%20were%20good%20parents.%20Most%20had%20very%20good%20intentions%20and%20wanted%20what%20they%20understood%20to%20be%20the%20absolute%20best%20for%20their%20children.%20Others%20were%20abusive,%20emotionally%20or%20physically,%20and%20did%20not%20care%20much%20for%20their%20children's%20welfare.%20%20And%20parents%20have%20always%20been%20deeply%20involved%20in%20the%20conversations%20about%20autism.%20Many%20times,%20non-Autistic%20parents%20have%20been%20the%20primary%20and%20only%20voice%20speaking%20about%20autism%20while%20Autistic%20adults%20have%20been%20excluded%20from%20the%20conversation.%20Many%20times%20when%20Autistic%20adults%20ask%20or%20demand%20to%20be%20included%20meaningfully%20in%20conversations%20about%20issues%20that%20affect%20us,%20we%20are%20told%20that%20we%20don't%20or%20can't%20represent%20or%20understand%20the%20breadth%20and%20diversity%20of%20needs%20and%20abilities%20of%20the%20whole%20Autistic%20population.%20%20The%20truth%20is%20that%20all%20of%20our%20voices%20are%20valuable,%20important,%20and%20necessary,%20particularly%20when%20we%20disagree%20among%20ourselves%20and%20between%20each%20other.%20%20The%20truth%20is%20that%20we%20do%20not%20merely%20deserve%20to%20be%20validated,%20but%20that%20we%20must%20be.%20%20The%20truth%20is%20that%20we,%20Autistic%20adults,%20youth,%20and%20children,%20need%20you.%20We%20need%20you%20to%20support%20us.%20We%20need%20you%20to%20love%20us.%20We%20need%20you%20to%20listen%20to%20us,%20and%20to%20believe%20that%20whatever%20we%20have%20to%20say,%20write,%20sign,%20draw,%20or%20communicate%20in%20any%20other%20way%20is%20of%20vital%20importance%20whether%20or%20not%20you%20agree%20with%20it.%20%20Without%20your%20help%20and%20love,%20we%20might%20not%20make%20it%20in%20the%20world%20as%20adults.%20Many%20non-Autistic%20parents%20worry%20about%20what%20will%20happen%20when%20their%20Autistic%20children%20will%20age%20first%20into%20adolescence%20and%20then%20into%20adulthood.%20They%20worry%20about%20whether%20their%20children%20will%20ever%20be%20able%20to%20live%20independently,%20and%20if%20not,%20what%20options%20their%20children%20will%20have%20to%20live%20as%20independently%20as%20possible.%20They%20worry%20about%20whether%20their%20children%20will%20ever%20be%20able%20to%20get%20and%20keep%20a%20job,%20and%20possibly%20support%20themselves.%20%20And%20the%20truth%20is%20that%20the%20best%20outcomes%20can%20occur%20only%20when%20all%20involved%20work%20to%20give%20us%20as%20much%20independence%20and%20self-advocacy%20skills%20as%20possible.%20The%20more%20we%20can%20learn%20to%20express%20ourselves%20and%20communicate%20with%20the%20people%20around%20us,%20the%20better%20we%20will%20be%20able%20to%20advocate%20for%20our%20own%20needs%20and%20desires.%20The%20more%20we%20can%20learn%20to%20cope%20with%20anxiety%20and%20sensory%20problems,%20the%20better%20we%20will%20be%20able%20to%20navigate%20a%20world%20that%20was%20not%20built%20with%20the%20needs%20of%20Autistics%20in%20mind.%20And%20you,%20parents,%20are%20placed%20in%20a%20unique%20position%20to%20be%20able%20to%20encourage%20the%20lifelong%20development%20of%20self-support%20and%20self-advocacy%20skills.%20%20Sadly,%20many%20parents%20of%20Autistic%20children%20do%20not%20receive%20support%20from" target="_blank">here</a>.)</div>
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Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-6839261367533813482014-10-17T12:00:00.000-07:002014-10-17T12:00:03.532-07:00Autism in the Media (Suburp Comix)<div style="text-align: center;">
(This comic can also be found on the Suburp blog <a href="http://suburpcomix.wordpress.com/2014/10/17/iamnotkellistapleton-autism-in-the-media-reporting-on-crimes-against-autistic-children/" target="_blank">here</a>).</div>
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Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-59426816184625042062014-10-17T04:28:00.000-07:002014-10-17T10:58:23.201-07:00room to heal<div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #707070; font-family: 'Droid Sans', Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 21.0079212188721px; margin-bottom: 1.154em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="line-height: 21.0079212188721px;">I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I just don’t. It hurts too much.</span></div>
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It hurts me, it hurts you, it hurts our community and most of all, it hurts the beautiful girl in the center of it all, Issy.</div>
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Issy deserves to be able to move on in as much peace as one can after such horror.</div>
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<b>We have a lot to talk about. We have a lot to fix. We have misconceptions and half-truths and outright lies to set straight. We have lines to draw and points to make and, undoubtedly, battles to fight for what’s right.</b></div>
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But above all, we have a funny, bright, joyful, life-loving teenage girl who needs, and has the right to, the space to heal.</div>
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Because while there will always be a lot left to say to each other, there’s far more to tell Issy.</div>
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<span style="line-height: 21.0079212188721px;"><br /></span>
<span style="line-height: 21.0079212188721px;">That she’s going to be okay.</span></div>
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That she was never, ever, not for a fraction of a second, to blame for what her mother did that awful day.</div>
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That her dad is there for her.</div>
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That he adores her.</div>
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That her family loves her fiercely, tenderly, completely.</div>
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That we, out here in the ether, each in our own way, love her too.</div>
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That she is lovable – Love … ABLE.</div>
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Able to be loved and to love in return.</div>
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That she is safe.</div>
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That she is entitled to her privacy.</div>
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And dignity.</div>
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And that she will always, always be in our hearts and our prayers.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>We can talk to and at and around each other all that we need to.</b></div>
</div>
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<b>I’m not saying that we shouldn’t.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Indeed we MUST.</b></div>
</div>
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But it’s long past time to give Issy her privacy back.</div>
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I send my love.</div>
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To Issy.</div>
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To all.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://adiaryofamom.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/heart.jpg" sl-processed="1" style="border-bottom-style: none; border-width: 0px; color: #0099ff; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><img alt="heart" class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-17131" height="240" src="https://adiaryofamom.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/heart.jpg?w=300&h=240" style="border-bottom-left-radius: 5px; border-bottom-right-radius: 5px; border-top-left-radius: 5px; border-top-right-radius: 5px; border: none; box-shadow: rgb(171, 171, 171) 0px 1px 2px; height: auto; margin: 1em 1em 1em 0px; max-width: 100%;" width="300" /></a></div>
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<em style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">{Image is a photo of two hands holding a red tissue paper heart in the sunlight.}</em></div>
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<em style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">(This post can also be found on the A Diary of a Mom blog <a href="http://adiaryofamom.wordpress.com/2014/10/17/room-to-heal/" target="_blank">here</a>.)</em></div>
Morénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-84088557805888318412014-10-16T16:00:00.000-07:002014-10-16T16:56:49.795-07:00"Who Really Cares About All This?" I Do.("Who Really Cares About All This?" I Do. can also be found <a href="http://whoneedsnormalcy.blogspot.com/2014/10/who-really-cares-about-all-of-this-i-do.html?m=1" target="_blank">here</a>.)<br />
<br />
She didn't mean any harm, this nice woman who is the parent of one of my children's classmates. I'd contacted her to respond to (yet another) query asking several parents to consider volunteering at a particular time of day. I gently explained that while I was happy to help out as needed in other ways and at other times, I couldn't commit to this particular task due to other obligations. She seemed satisfied by my answer at the time, but proceeded to bring it up on another occasion (today) while we were waiting for the children to be dismissed from school. <br />
<br />
I'd gotten to school early (a rarity for me, lol), so I had a few minutes to spare before the bell rang. She was waiting there, along with another parent. I greeted both, exchanged some polite pleasantries/used my small talk script. She mentioned the volunteering thing again and I politely declined, citing the same reasons I'd already given her. Then I whipped out my phone. I logged on to Twitter, and started signal boosting some tweets about the current #IAmNotKelliStapleton/#WalkInIssysShoes flashblog as well as the upcoming #EndVAWHIV (Day of Action to End Violence Against Women with HIV) flash blog.<br />
<br />
After a few minutes, I glanced up and noticed that she was peering (nosily) over my shoulder, looking at my screen. A bit startled, I gave a half-hearted smile, put my phone in my lap, and searched my brain frantically for the appropriate script to use when someone is reading your tweets/posts without your permission. I didn't come up with one, and was trying to figure out what to say when she asked, "So what is this flash blog thing you're writing about, exactly?"<br />
<br />
O-kay.<br />
<br />
Although that wasn't what I was expecting her to say, I thought it was as perfect an opportunity as any to share. I asked her if she was familiar with autism, and informed her that I was autistic. We then spent some time talking about autism, and progressed to a discussion of the Stapleton tragedy and the Dr. Phil show episodes. She was familiar with the topics, and we had a relatively decent conversation. <br />
<br />
I then segued into how important it was for the public to have an accurate, non-stigmatizing portrayal of autistics and their families - as well as people with disabilities in general. I talked about how harmful it can be when people equate autism to violent behavior, using media speculation over the neurology of people involved in recent school shootings as an example. I shared how many in our community were hoping that we could re-center the conversation about autism to make it more balanced and more inclusive.<br />
<br />
She listened attentively. Then, with a dismissive wave of her hand and a little laugh, she remarked that she "couldn't be me" because she thought the idea of being involved in activities outside of our children's school was "draining." <br />
<br />
"Is all that really a big deal?" she asked. "I mean, isn't there time to worry about all that autism stuff later? It seems like you're making a big deal out of stuff that's not necessary right now. I mean, when they grow up and graduate, maybe you should do something then," she said. "I don't think you should be doing flash blogs about stuff going on with people you don't even know. To me, seems like overkill to worry about that right now; who really cares about all this?"<br />
<br />
Fortunately, that was the end of the conversation, because the bell rang and kids started pouring out. As I walked away, I replayed the conversation in my head, wondering if she feels sorry for me because I think there's a world outside the PTO, class mom duties, and class parties? She says she "couldn't be me?" I find that ironic, because I "couldn't be" like her.<br />
<br />
"Who really cares about all this?" she asked.<br />
<br />
Well, I do, darn it. I do.<br />
<br />
I'm not knocking the very important role of parental involvement in schools. Research shows that it extremely important for parents to play an active part in their children's education. I have no "beef" with the PTO; I'm a proud dues-paying PTO member of all four of the schools my kids attend. I've chaperoned many field trips and baked treats for many class parties.<br />
<br />
Heck, I drive over four hours a day to three different sides of town to ensure my kids can attend schools that best meet their needs as opposed to just settling with the school that's five minutes away. I help with homework, revise rough drafts, make "flash cards" for quizzes, cut and glue items aplenty for science fair projects. I agree that it's important to be involved in my kids' school affairs.<br />
<br />
However, I reject the idea that there's something wrong with caring about things outside of that. I can't fathom what it means to think it's acceptable to ignore the world around me until my kids get out of school. My youngest child just barely turned four; he has a minimum of 14 more years until he is out of school. And as he, like his siblings, is disabled, it may not be in his best interest to finish school in 14 years; he might need to retain public school transition services for 16-18 years. Am I supposed to refrain from any meaningful involvement in life activities until then?<br />
<br />
People are being viewed as "less than" NOW. People are having their constitutional rights denied NOW. People are being bullied NOW. People are being abused NOW. People are being discriminated against NOW. People are being hurt NOW. People are being killed NOW.<br />
<br />
I cannot wait, and I will not wait.<br />
<br />
My strong love for my children and the desire to fight to make this world a better place for them will not permit me to ignore the world around me for years on end until the timing is "more convenient" for me. By the time my kids grow up, many opportunities to try to effect change will have been lost. The time to DO something is now, not later. Not only so that I can try to make things better for their future, but also so that I can lead by example. They will not always be children; they will one day be adults, and when that time comes, they and their peers will be the leaders, the thinkers, the decision-makers. They will need to know how to speak up - and out - for themselves. But if I - their parent - don't do that, how will they learn?<br />
<br />
Until they can speak for themselves, I believe it is MY job, my duty, my responsibility, and my privilege, as their mother, to do it for them. To assert their personhood. To make sure that they are viewed properly and not tokenized and/or stereotyped. To demand that they are given the rights and dignity they deserve as human beings, regardless of their skin color, the country they were born in, their serostatus, their faith, their gender, their disability status, their neurology, or any other factor.<br />
<br />
They need me to do that just as much as they need me to look over their homework, bring fruit for the class party, or check their reading logs.<br />
<br />
In fact, they probably need it even more than any of that.<br />
<br />
By Morénike OnaiwuMorénikehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17360855353262663284noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241220920555280905.post-73375262767155155732014-10-16T14:00:00.000-07:002014-10-16T14:00:04.581-07:00Sorry, I'm not sorry, I'm not Kelli<div>
Sorry, I'm not sorry, I'm not Kelli</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was recently told by a certain blogger who declared, “I am Kelli, we all are</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /> Kelli” that I lack compassion because I dared to disagree with her. Well let me tell you, I do have compassion.I’m sorry that Kelli had so much hate and evil in her heart, and I’m sorry that you think you are like her. But mostly I’m sorry for Issy and what she went through and I’m scared for your kids. I will you keep you all in my prayers.I will pray Kelli owns up to what she did and asks for forgiveness. I will pray that people like you start to recognizing who the real victim is and that you never go down the road Kelli did. I’m sorry your conscience is hurting you, but please don’t try to make yourself feel better by telling me that I am like Kelli too. I am not. I recognize that I am not perfect, not the perfect person, not the perfect mother. I’m a sinner in need of God’s grace and thankfully I have it. Through His grace I have love in my heart for my child AND his Autism. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You see, I’m sorry but I can’t </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">sympathize with wanting to murder my child, and I can’t “understand” That doesn't mean I lack compassion, but it does mean I will look at what happened to Issy and say “that is WRONG” and I will not excuse it. I’m sorry I can’t walk in Kelli’s shoes, because to do so would be to hate Autism and hate my child. Those are things I could never do, and that’s why I could never be like you or like Kelli. God has put too much love in my heart for my little boy. #IAmNOTKelliStapleton<br /><br /><br />Written by <span style="font-size: small;">Alaina S. </span></span></div>
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