Kelli Stapleton, Issy Stapleton, and Two Discussions

I read an awesome blog last week about Kelli Stapleton. For those that don’t know, Kelli Stapleton was just sentenced 10 – 22 years in prison on October 8 for attempting to murder her daughter, Issy, then 14, who is autistic. Kelly took Issy to an isolated area, drugged her, shut herself up in a van with
Issy and two lit charcoal grills, told her daughter that she loved her, and quietly waited for the both of them to fall asleep together. Luckily, someone discovered them and took them to a hospital before it was too late. Issy was in a coma for three weeks and has suffered some brain damage. Kelly
pleaded guilty at trial to first degree child abuse, and advocates feared that she’d receive a more lenient sentence than she would for attempted murder on a non-disabled child. However, her sentence is commensurate with one for that crime.

I’ve tried to write this blog post many times already and can’t
seem to get it right, so I’m going to try to make this as simple as possible. There’s a long, long list of disabled people who were murdered by their parents. The list to which I just linked begins with Canadian Tracy Latimer, who was 12 years when she was murdered by her father, Robert Latimer. I was fifteen, just three years older than Tracy, and just starting volunteer work with disabled people when Tracy Latimer’s death hit the news. I was just starting to develop a different lens through which to see her death than the 73% of Canadians in 1999 who thought that his action was taken out of compassion, and the 41% who believed in mercy killing (Ipsos 1999 ). I always thought that he should go to prison.

I vacillated as to how long as the case developed. Even at that age I could appreciate how difficult it
must be to watch your kid in pain and not be able to do anything about it…not even give her pain
medication, because it didn't work. And to know that her body was just going to keep breaking down,
requiring surgery after surgery, until keeping her together was going to be more painful than letting
her fall apart. It had to be hell. How long could you really keep a father in prison who only wanted to
spare his daughter more pain?

I don’t know when I turned the corner on it, but now I say that he should have served the same
amount of time that he would have if he’d murdered a non-disabled child, as Autistic Self-Advocacy
Network’s Ari Ne’eman argued at Kelli Stapleton’s sentencing hearing. A disabled child’s life is a life, and there’s already a perception out there that disabled people are disposable that doesn't need
further encouragement. Besides, I think Robert Latimer’s desire not to see his daughter in pain was also at least in part about him no longer having to watch his daughter in pain…and it’s not fair that she ultimately paid the price for that. Because of a technicality with his first trial, it was 8 years before Latimer even went to prison forsecond-degree murder. He was out in 9 years.

But back to Issy and Kelli Stapleton.

Issy and Kelli Stapleton – Two Important Discussions

As I said, most Canadians supported Robert Latimer’s actions, and Kelli Stapleton definitely has her
supporters too – particularly on social media, and on the blog that she wrote. This isn’t unusual when
a parent kills a disabled child, especially since the media tends to paint the parent in a sympathetic
light and to play up the difficulties involved in parenting the disabled child. The Dr. Phil Show in
particular drew a great deal of criticism for this after interviewing Kelli Stapleton from prison.
I watched Dr. Phil’s two-part show about Kelli Stapleton's actions – twice – and I think that part of the problem was that there two important discussions that arise from stories like this, and one really got almost totally ignored – by the Dr. Phil Show and in general by the media.

There’s a complicated discussion about lack or scarcity or resources that meet the needs unique

needs of disabled children and their families. Kelli Stapleton said that she couldn't get any help. I've

heard this before in stories where a parent murders a child. I also read her blog – it does seem like

she was receiving some supports. Were they not meeting Issy’s needs? The family’s needs? Would something have worked more effectively? What?

We’re discovering in Canada that slotting people into inflexible supports and saying “This is how it is adapt to us” doesn't produce the best outcomes. It’s led to provinces adopting individualized funding,

where people receive funding to purchase their own supports from a variety of providers – the improved flexibility lets families create a support system that meets their needs more effectively and

produces better outcomes for everyone involved. Because a great support is useless if it’s only

offered at a time that the family is unable to access it, or if a family must accept a whole package of

services that won’t work for them just to access one that might. Everyone has different needs.

Maybe this is what was going on with the Stapletons, maybe not, but it’s worth thinking about in

general. Perhaps, as some have suggested, Kelli Stapleton is just a person who wasn’t interested in

effectively using what was being offered to her. I don’t know. But I’m hoping that the people offering

supports to the Stapletons at the time of the attempted murder thoroughly went over what everyone

was doing with the family at the time, because a few things that came up during the Dr. Phil interview that made me think, “That needs to be looked into. Someone dropped the ball there.”

And then there’s a second discussion, the one that the media in general hasn’t been having about

Issy and Kelli Stapleton. doesn't have. It’s arguably the more vital of the two, and the fact that the

media doesn't have it is a huge problem. Few in the mainstream media say that it’s simply wrong to murder disabled people.

Lack of services is not an excuse.

Difficult behaviour is not an excuse.

Sparing a person pain is not an excuse.

Parents convincing themselves that the disabled child would be better off in Heaven is not an excuse.

There is no excuse.

Plenty of people in the disability community have said this since Kelli Stapleton tried to murder Issy,

especially since the Dr. Phil interview. Dr. Phil tried to say it, I think. He was clear with Kelli Stapleton that he found her actions unacceptable, but the message was lost. It didn’t make it through to the people who are used to the very direct, “What were you thinking??” approach that he takes with other parents of children in crisis. He went extremely easy on her. There were many questions that I wanted answered that weren’t asked, and and the social media response showed that people came away with a sympathetic view of her.

The media needs to tell people that there’s no excuse for that, either. It’s victim blaming, and it

doesn’t happen when parents murder non-disabled children. This should not be a society where, when

a child is murdered, the murderer gets our sympathy.

Justice for Issy Stapleton

For justice’s sake, let’s take it down to the bottom line and leave autism out of it: Kelli Stapleton tried

to murder her daughter, Issy, and got the usual sentence of 10 – 22 years in prison. That’s the justice

that Issy Stapleton deserves, and that’s what all of us who have been standing behind her were

hoping for. I think that this is the closest that I’m going to get to what I want to say. The awesome blog that I mentioned in the first line was written by Beth Ryan at Love Explosions.

Here's some more great writing about Kelly Stapleton and her daughter Issy Stapleton:

I Am Not Kelli Stapleton Flash Blog

ASAN, Disability Community Statement on the Sentencing of Kelli Stapleton

Changing Conversations: When Parents Murder Disabled Children

By Sarah Levis

(This post can also be found on the Girl with the Cane blog here.)

For Issy and All of Us: This is Autism

This is Autism - For Issy and All of Us

This is autism.
A world where we are defined as a list of "deficits" and "problems" needing to be overcome.
This is autism.
A world where our killers can be showered with sympathy and compassion for having had to endure a life with us.
This is autism.
Incessant fatigue created by having to navigate societies not designed for us, not respectful of us, not accepting of us.
This is autism.
Being misunderstood. Being judged. Being discriminated against. Being manipulated.
But this is also autism:
Learning to cope. Learning to stand. Learning to embrace oneself. Learning to live.
This is autism.
Originality. Uniqueness. Sensitivity. Detail. Tenacity. Courage. Truth.
This is autism.
Being human. Being accepted. Being loved. Being free.
This is autism.
A growing community. Hope. Change. Faith. Surrounded by the love and support that strengthens us.
This is autism.
Understanding.
This is autism.
Resilience.
This is autism.
Survival.
This is autism.
Justice.
This is autism.
Future.
This is autism.
Purpose.
This is autism.
Acceptance.
This is autism.
It is me.
It is you.
It is us.
It is Issy.
Issy.
Issy - smiling. 
Issy - dancing. 
Issy- learning. 
Issy - growing.
Issy - laughing.
Issy...
Living.
This is autism.


(By M. Onaiwu)

Kelli Stapleton. Still relevant.

It was always directed toward me.  Her um anger and aggression.  Always toward me.  I wondered if that was a consequence of doing a Lovaas replication program.  Because I’ve been in her face since before she was two years old.  It was always touch your nose.  Touch the apple.  Do this.  Do that.  And you know, um, maybe this is sort of a natural consequence to that.  I’m not really sure.  But I’m sure at this point it is some sort of shaped behavior.  Because sometimes even making eye contact with her will trigger a response.  (Kelli Stapleton–full interview here)

There is no doubt that the tragedy involving Kelli Stapleton and the attempted murder of her child belongs in every single conversation around Autism “treatments”, bullying, and the way that some parents of Autistic children habitually devalue and dehumanize their children.

The fact that so many parents are still willing to make the claim that Kelli’s attempt to murder her own child is “an act of love” means that her name and the road she traveled to get to the place where she was able to harm her child needs to be brought up again and again.

We need to examine.  To scrutinize the ill fated journey that she took to get to that place.  It is uncomfortable.  It is painful.  And it is entirely necessary to talk about that heartbreaking topic.

The how and why are so very important.

The easiest answer is that there aren't enough services.  That there aren't enough supports for Autistic people and their families.  And while it is true that Autistic people are in desperate need of more direct services and supports, we cannot say that lack of services are to blame for Kelli’s attempt on her child’s life.  Issy had just come home from an extended stay in a residential facility and Issy had around the clock care.

So we must look elsewhere for our answers.  I believe that the answers are in the way, even as parents, we have come to see Autistic people.  Not fully human.  Not worthy of the rights and respect that most of us take for granted.

If you read Kelli’s blog, you will not think it unlike many blogs written by parents of Autistic children.  For instance, you probably would not dream of posting a video of a typical teenager at his most vulnerable moment.  But parents of Autistic children do so habitually.  When either of my children are having a challenging moment, the furthest think from my mind is snapping a picture of myself comforting her.  Or capturing a video of a meltdown.  These are sacred moments where my child needs me.  Where I am thinking, only, of making sure my child knows that I am present and loving her with my entire being.

Capturing media as fodder for one’s blog should be about the furthest thing from one’s mind.  And I don’t believe that it is with this type of parent.  The martyr mommy/daddy.  Sure they can claim that they are trying to help other parents not feel so alone…or whatever the party line is.  But even if that is true, if my belief that they are attention seeking is wrong, they are doing so at the expense of the privacy of their children.  “Helping” other parents should not override the sacred trust of a parent/child relationship.

Parents prone towards these acts of betrayal of their children are not merely poor parents.  Because the ones that I've seen and am speaking of are also prone towards despicable acts of emotional and verbal abuse towards Autistic adults that are brave enough to face their wrath.

This tells me that these parents have devalued, not only their children, but Autistic people in general.  This should not be exactly surprising given the culture of hate and systemic dehumanization of Autistic people that we are entrenched in.  Nonetheless, I continue to be shocked by the lengths that these parents are willing to go to viciously bully Autistic people.  They wield their advantages of the power differential in shocking and despicable ways and maintain the nerve to cry out that they are the victims of discrimination.

Discrimination is a combination of power and prejudice.  Autistic people lack power.  They are a minority group and victims of all sorts of things like media bias, systemic oppression, marginalization, etc.  Autistic people are capable of bigotry.  But they are not capable of the type of discrimination that parents of screaming about.  The continued insistence that parents are the victims is offensive and only serves to underscore the fact that these loud parents are ignorant about what it means to be part of a minority.

I wouldn't worry so much about what these foolish parents say.  Except that they are so damn loud and aggressive.  I cannot stand the thought of their voices–the voices of murder apologists– dominating the conversation around my daughter’s neurology.  The thought that they are perpetuating the Autism Speaks’ fear and tragedy stereotypes make it impossible for me to ignore them.

And so I stand with the brave Autistic adults, who are regularly targeted and viciously attacked by this insidious tribe.  I stand with them because they are awesome and courageous and kind.  Yes.  Because they are my friends.  Yes.  But also because every single time they hang their necks out,knowing full well that they will be targeted and abused as a result, they are hanging them out for my daughter.

So I’m selfish.  And I’m grateful with every fiber of my being.  As such, it is my moral obligation–the moral obligation of every single parent of an Autistic child out there, to use our advantages to support the creation of a world where our children are seen as whole and valuable human beings.  That starts with the recognition of the fact that the assault against the humanity of any Autistic person is as good as an assault against our very children.

By Beth Ryan

(This post can also be found on the Love Explosions blog here.)

The Stapleton Case Causes Autism in Kids to be Misunderstood

In September 2014, “Dr. Phil” aired a two-part exclusive interview and show called “A Mother’s Worst Nightmare,” which featured a Michigan woman named Kelli Stapleton. Last September, Stapleton was accused of trying to murder her daughter, Isabelle “Issy” Stapleton, and attempting suicide.

Issy Stapleton is an autistic teenager who was prone to violent outbursts, with her mother and sister taking the brunt of the abuse. Horrific photos and descriptions during the interview showed Kelli may have suffered brain damage at Issy’s hands, as well as other bruises and signs of physical pain.

Rather than being charged with attempted murder, Stapleton was only indicted on charges of first-degree child abuse. Despite the lesser charge, she could face a maximum of a life sentence behind bars. She has not talked to her daughter, whose violent condition is improving after treatment and therapy since the incident.

The treatment of this tragic and complicated issue by Dr. Phil has been deeply troubling and misleading. Kelli Stapleton said on the program that the “jail of Benzie County has been a much kinder warden than the jail of autism has been.” Dr. Phil then brought on another guest: a mother who thought about killing herself and her severely autistic and violent son but couldn’t bring herself to do it. Dr. Phil framed these segments in a way that seemed to practically excuse these mothers for attempting to murder their disabled children.

I first read about the Stapleton incident last year in People magazine, and it kept me up at night. It appalls me that Stapleton is apparently being treated less harshly for her attempted murder-suicide simply because her daughter is mentally disabled.

Issy did not consent to her mother’s attempt to “take her to heaven.” Although Issy expressed violent tendencies, it doesn’t mean Issy was unhappy or in a bad place  — she may have had difficulties expressing herself, as many individuals with autism do.

Certainly, Issy Stapleton is not fully innocent either. Issy would habitually attack her sister, and the girls’ mother would suffer the brunt of the violence in an attempt to protect her. However, Issy is, without a doubt,  the true victim in this situation, as she was the one who suffered an attempt on her life and languished in a coma, all caused by her own mother.

Dr. Phil should also be criticized for his flippant treatment of this sensitive issue. The media already has a penchant for portraying autistic people and those with other mental health issues as violent and destructive. The high profile cases of mass murderers Adam Lanza and Elliot Rodger — both believed to have Aspergers’ Syndrome — have further damaged the reputation of those with mental illness or neurological disorders.

Giving favorable treatment to Kelli Stapleton, someone who attempted to murder her own daughter because of her disability, is appalling and absolutely unacceptable. Disabled lives are not worth less than anyone else’s life. Murder is murder, no matter who the intended victim is.

By Haley Moss

Autistic Hoya: Awakening

Awakening

Why am I here?
They ask me what I mean, and I speak,
but my speech has no meaning,
and they give it no value.

Who am I to speak?
I know no one, am no one,
and can make no list of glories,
and they know this better than me.

I have all the people in the world around me,
but no one to listen to me and crave me,
and I cannot understand their language,
and they say I have none.

Why can't I cry?
They deny me even that comfort,
and I am desperate for bitterness and rage,
and they scorn that I could imagine aposiopesis.

Why can't I have solitude?
Information everywhere and too much to do and no time and no space,
and people suffering with no advocate,
and they would mock the day I betrayed them with silence.

I have all the words in the world waiting on the cusp of my lips,
but no one to listen to me and crave me,
and I do not speak their language,
and they will not let me simply be.

I am afraid of my awakening,
And they tell me I will not have one,
But I know how it will come—
They will not see as I slip from knowing to believing.

(This post can also be found on the Autistic Hoya blog here.)

Isabelle Stapleton

There is no excuse for premeditated murder or premeditated attempted murder. 

There is no excuse for the premeditated attempted murder of a child.  There is no excuse for the premeditated attempted murder of a child with a disability.  There is no excuse for the premeditated attempted murder of a child with a disability by their mother.  Suicide or attempted suicide does not excuse or mitigate a premeditated murder or premeditated attempted murder.

The criminal actions and potential loss of life are not reduced by any circumstances and certainly not because the victim is a person with a disability. Isabelle Stapleton has been critically harmed and nearly died through the intentional acts of another person. 

Now, what matters is this child and the life she will live.  This is and should be about a 14 year old and her current fight.  That she has a disability changes nothing.  This is true whether she has autism or other disability or does not have a disability.

While we support and hope for the best for Isabelle, we should expect that the mother face what any person who attempted to murder someone would face.  What this child’s mother did, was and always will be wrong.  Period.

By Dohn Hoyle

(This was originally posted on Bridges 4 Kids’ website here.)

Issy is the Victim, Not Kelli

I have started and erased this post more than a dozen times. I do not know exactly what to say. On Tuesday September 3, 2013, a mother, Kelli Stapleton, decided to end her life and the life of her 14-year-old autistic daughter, Issy. Her husband called police after Kelli left a disconcerting voicemail on his phone and once he discovered she and Issy were gone, along with the family van. Police discovered them both unconscious, in a van with two portable coal burners, dying of carbon monoxide poisoning. Kelli has been released from the hospital, but Issy remains, with the extent of permanent brain damage still unknown.

I confess, I cannot understand Kelli Stapleton. I understand stress, and autism, and autism parenting, believe me I do. What I cannot, and perhaps do not want to understand, is the murderous impulse behind her actions and decisions.

My own autistic child turned 8 this week, amidst the turmoil of moving cross-country and trying to get enrolled in new services and a new school. The stress of that caused me to have a panic attack in the Chicago train station. I understand stress.

I understand the frustration and hopelessness that comes from having a child you don’t yet know how to effectively communicate with; my son didn’t start talking till he was 4, after 3 years of speech therapy, and we struggled with finding non-verbal means to talk to one another. (Homemade flashcards were a huge help.)

I understand the crushing weight of poverty, and trying to find money for one more thing while life itself seems too expensive to continue paying for. As a former single parent and as a parent currently living across the country from my co-parent, I understand the endless feeling of having too much to do and not enough emotional reserves to keep going.

As my son begins 3rd grade at his fifth school this year, I understand the weariness that comes from IEP meeting after IEP meeting after IEP meeting. I understand the frustration and grief from discovering that yet another program has failed to adequately meet my child’s needs.

As a very petite barely-over-100 lbs mother, I understand the concerns parents have about children who are bigger, stronger, and can hit them or hit them back. This is why I’ve never relied on physical strength to maintain peace and harmony in our home.

I can understand feeling suicidal; I cannot understand feeling homicidal, not to anyone who has hurt me and certainly not to my son who I owe everything to.

Much of the media, and a lot of the “autism community” blog posts have centered on Kelli as an understandable figure, driven to murder by the stress of having an autistic child. These voices are not helping. They won’t prevent the next murder or attempted murder. Instead they will excuse it, as they are attempting to excuse this one.

Autism Speaks released a statement that said, “We are deeply saddened by the incident involving Issy Stapleton.” That sentence would not indicate to someone unfamiliar with the story what happened – that Issy’s mother knowingly and intentionally planned and attempted to execute the murder of her 14-year-old child. The “incident” was a criminal action that could have cost Issy her life, and may very well cost her higher mental functioning.

Issy had been separated from her family, her friends, her school, and her cat so that she could live in a residential “treatment center” for autistic children between the ages of 7 and 17, called the Great Lakes Center for Autism Treatment and Research. Their own About Us page paints a negative, fear-mongering, and above all dehumanizing view of autistic children with this unsourced claim, “The average cost to society of a child diagnosed with autism, through age 55, is currently estimated at $3.6 million.” This way of talking about autistic people is atrocious – it contributes to feelings of worthlessness in autistic individuals, and it gives parents a doom and gloom mentality they really do not need to have.

One of Kelli’s online friends has blogged that, “If we do not understand what caused Kelli to break and work like hell to fix it in our own communities and in the system, we are all at risk for it. All of us.”

This is bullshit. The community did not try to murder Issy. The “system” did not try to murder Issy. Kelli Stapleton tried to murder Issy. Can we at least keep this most basic of facts in the case straight?

These murders can be prevented, but that prevention won’t take the form of more funding for the residential facility where Issy’s parents had her housed up until last Thursday, five days before her mother tried to kill her. That prevention must start with us, the parents. We are the ones responsible for our own actions, and if we cannot claim the minimum responsibility to not murder our children, we do not deserve to have these children in our lives.

If you sometimes fantasize about killing your child, get help. If you find it all too easy to empathize with Kelli, but don’t empathize with Issy, get help. Stop demanding more autism services for your child and start finding out what is wrong with you, and start fixing it.

As parents we should demand a better world for our children, not that our children fit better in this world. Autism is not a death sentence, unless a parent or caregiver decides to make it one. Decide better.

By Angie Jackson

(This post can also be found on the Angie the Anti-theist blog here.)